Joke of the Day

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ted_b

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2300 on: 15 Mar 2018, 04:52 pm »
Subject: Fwd: College Football wisdom & humor .... something for everybody !
 
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"  - John Heisman
 
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama
 
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
 
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." -  Lou Holtz
 
"When you win, nothing hurts." -  Joe Namath / Alabama
 
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." -  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
 
“There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the shit kicked out of you.” -  Woody Hayes / Ohio State
 
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.  I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." -  Bob Devaney / Nebraska
 
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."-  Wally Butts / Georgia
 
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
–  Alex Karras / Iowa
 
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
-  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
 
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
 
"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn
 
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns,why he didn't recruit me ". He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." -  Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
 
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." -  Bobby Bowden / FSU
 
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.  Dancing IS a contact sport."  -  Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
 
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.” -  John McKay / USC
 
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”-  Murray Warmath / Minnesota
 
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
-  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." -  Darrell Royal / Texas
 
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." -  John McKay / USC
 
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."-  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”
 
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
 
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
 
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
 
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"
 
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
 
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
 
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
 
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half are able to dress themselves.
 
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
 
How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Emil

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2301 on: 15 Mar 2018, 05:03 pm »
Good ones, Ted :thumb:

Wind Chaser

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2302 on: 15 Mar 2018, 05:32 pm »
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." -  Bobby Bowden / FSU

 :lol:

Goosepond

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2303 on: 15 Mar 2018, 11:26 pm »
Reporter: Coach, what do you think of your team's execution.

Coach McKay: I'm in favor of it!

Gene

EdRo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2304 on: 17 Mar 2018, 01:39 am »
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? 20. One to hold the bulb, and the other 19 start drinking to get the room to spin.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

LesterSleepsIn

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2305 on: 17 Mar 2018, 02:38 pm »



CSI

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2306 on: 17 Mar 2018, 03:14 pm »
Reporter: Coach, what do you think of your team's execution.

Coach McKay: I'm in favor of it!

Gene

The Trojans once had a field goal kicker miss five attempts in a row. A reporter approached the coach walking off the field after the game:

Reporter, "Coach, do you think your kicker is in a slump?"

John McKay, "I hope so"

Bill

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2307 on: 18 Mar 2018, 12:34 am »
Speaking of college sports...

I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.  She was down to the final four.

THROWBACK

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2308 on: 18 Mar 2018, 01:59 am »
Thunderbrick

That's AWFUL!

(AWFUL-ly funy, that is)

mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2309 on: 23 Mar 2018, 08:12 pm »
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the ten dollars. The ride is free". Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2310 on: 6 Apr 2018, 01:47 am »
"Daddy, what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy; he knows."

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2311 on: 6 Apr 2018, 02:54 am »
"Daddy, what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy; he knows."

 :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2312 on: 6 Apr 2018, 08:13 pm »
I looked up an old girlfriend today.

That's one of the perks of being a gynecologist.

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2313 on: 6 Apr 2018, 10:24 pm »
I looked up an old girlfriend today.

That's one of the perks of being a gynecologist.

 :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2314 on: 7 Apr 2018, 01:15 am »
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

Letitroll98

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2315 on: 7 Apr 2018, 12:11 pm »
I wrote a poem about my old girlfriend, it's entitled, "Some Times I Miss Her".

I ran into my old girlfriend the other day
So I backed up and ran into her again
Sometimes I miss her

THROWBACK

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2316 on: 7 Apr 2018, 12:27 pm »
Mike,
Good One. I didn't see that coming. (Maybe if the swelling goes down a little more . . . )

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2317 on: 7 Apr 2018, 06:59 pm »



mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2318 on: 9 Apr 2018, 08:52 pm »



jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2319 on: 10 Apr 2018, 12:20 am »