Joke of the Day

mikeeastman · « **Reply #2340 on:** 15 Apr 2018, 09:01 pm »

jhm731 that's a good one

charmerci · « **Reply #2341 on:** 15 Apr 2018, 11:14 pm »

mlundy57 · « **Reply #2342 on:** 22 Apr 2018, 06:17 pm »

Quote from: dflee on 15 Apr 2018, 01:16 pm

And then you realize it's in your hand.
As Iv'e gotten older I am thinking more and more about the here after.
I walk into a room and think "what the heck did I come in here after"?

Don

I have recently learned this is not a memory issue. Its nature's way of making sure we get our exercise.

Mike

jhm731 · « **Reply #2343 on:** 22 Apr 2018, 08:53 pm »

aragon63 · « **Reply #2344 on:** 23 Apr 2018, 08:10 pm »

Wedding Ring

Tough Call

A man went to the local Medical Center, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis,
but to his misfortune the operation wasn't covered by his medical insurance.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend had found the ring in his pants pocket while he was asleep..
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly and slipped the ring on his penis while he slept.

I don't know what's worse:

1. Finding out you signed up for the wrong medical insurance coverage.
2. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
3. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR...
4. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #2345 on:** 23 Apr 2018, 08:46 pm »

aragon that's a good one

Goosepond · « **Reply #2346 on:** 23 Apr 2018, 09:31 pm »

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I'm a schizophrenic and so am I!

From What About Bob with Richard Dreyfus and Bill Murray.

Cracked me up when I saw this recently.

Gene

Roninaudio · « **Reply #2347 on:** 24 Apr 2018, 12:18 am »

jhm731 · « **Reply #2348 on:** 24 Apr 2018, 07:17 pm »

Roninaudio · « **Reply #2349 on:** 24 Apr 2018, 11:01 pm »

Got some of this today to speed up my lagging internet speeds. Only 29.99. Hopefully it works soon...

David C · « **Reply #2350 on:** 25 Apr 2018, 05:54 pm »

Any takers, will fish , hunt and clean your truck
> I know it's late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the
> Super Bowl in Minneapolis at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday,
> February 4th. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which
> includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar
> tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game. What he didn't
> realize when he bought them last year was that it's on the same day as his
> wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his
> place. It's at St. Paul's Catholic Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley.
> She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will
> clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.

jhm731 · « **Reply #2351 on:** 25 Apr 2018, 07:52 pm »

decal · « **Reply #2352 on:** 3 May 2018, 01:37 pm »

Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following

Airport Screening Results

2017 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :

Terrorists Discovered

0

Transvestites

133

Hernias

1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases

3,172

Enlarged Prostates

8,249

Breast Implants

59,350

Natural Blondes

3

mikeeastman · « **Reply #2353 on:** 4 May 2018, 01:15 am »

JerryM · « **Reply #2354 on:** 4 May 2018, 02:09 am »

Today, a colleague told me this story wherein her nephew was born with no eyelids. Just horrible.

To help the little guy, a plastic surgeon used pieces of his foreskin to make his eyelids.

Now he's a little cockeyed.

JerryM · « **Reply #2355 on:** 16 May 2018, 02:25 am »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2356 on:** 24 May 2018, 03:01 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #2357 on:** 1 Jun 2018, 07:33 pm »

An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door. She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a rather large hole. "Hi Nancy." she said, "What's the hole for?" Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it." The woman said, "Oh, Honey, that hole's way too big for a goldfish." The little girl cried "No it's not; he's inside your fucking cat."

decal · « **Reply #2358 on:** 11 Jun 2018, 03:59 pm »

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here
in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

JerryM · « **Reply #2359 on:** 22 Jun 2018, 07:00 pm »

A couple goes in for marriage counseling.

The counselor asks what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade about everything under the sun. After 15 minutes she is still railing when the counselor walks around to the back of her chair, puts his arms around her, and starts kissing her neck. Startled, she instantly shuts up.

The counselor states "This is what your wife needs, at least three times a week."

The husband looks over and says "Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday, but I play golf on Fridays."