Ladies & Gentlemen, Friends, Foes & Scholars, the time has arrived to publish the results of the "Holy Cow! It's So Hot You Could Fry An Egg" Experiment. I have attempted to test my results under the strictest of scientific standards that I could muster under the weight of my scorched mind. WARNING: this should prove to be a long post, with random & scandalous comments, as well as photos documenting the entirety of this wasted time. Wasted time? Maybe not, if it has provided us with any pleasure on a hot, Sunday at the precipice of Global Warming. If you are irritated and critical of meaningless drivel, please stop reading now, as this is extremely idiotic. But... you've gotta look anyway, don't you!? It's kinda like driving by a car wreck. Really you don't want to see it, but...
For the sake of science, as well as that my integrity was cast into doubt, I decided to procure a new cast-iron skillet, just for this experiment. Besides, even though I already had one, I used this as an excuse to get another one anyway!
At 12:57pm CST, I pulled into the front parking lot of our local Rural King.
After inquiring as to the location of the cast-iron cookware, I was directed to Aisle 21.
The Cashier at the Checkout was kind enough to pose for me (at my repeated requests
along with my, "C'mon. You can trust me, megawatt, smile.") to show proof-of-purchase
of new cookware. Now, I cannot be blamed or accused of using "voodoo-ized," already been
used, suspicious cast-iron. Fresh from the factory, sealed container. Oh, Lucky Me! They had
a sale. 5 pieces of cast-iron for only $69.99. I bought the set!
The Set Up: 5 Old, Basic Bricks that have been laying around in the sun all day will act as the base.
The new, cast-iron pan goes onto the brick base for preheating and is covered with a glass lid.
The time is 1:17pm CST. The pan will preheat for one hour. Temperature is 103 F.
AT 2:07pm CST, the egg is removed from the refrigerator in order to give it approximately
10 minutes of warm-up time in order to bring it to room temperature. Please note, that only
a Family Friendly Farm egg was used in this experiment. No other animals were hurt or used
in this experiment, except for one, beloved human victim which will remain unnamed, as she
was railroaded into this chaos.
*Side Bar: These are good, working friends that live across the border near Cape Girardeau, MO.
We also raise chickens and eggs at our farm in a similar fashion: free-range, drug, chemical & hormone free.
Note the contact info fellas, you may be interested at some point in contacting them. We order
from Family Friendly Farms for our commercial use.
One hour of preheat time has transpired. The time is now 2:17pm CST, and we are
ready to crack the egg into the solar pan.
The egg was lovingly, if not so gracefully, cracked into the pan, and the cooking commences.
At 2:37pm CST, the egg is checked, and after 20 minutes of cooking, the egg looks egg-xactly the same.
Another 8 minutes transpires, and things are starting to get a little egg-citing, as it seems
that the egg is started to show some "cookage" around the edges.
Then... wouldn't you know it... the cloud cover moves in and seriously messes with the mix.
Alas, at 2:47pm CST (30 minutes of cook time), the project is abandoned.
The egg is not cooked, and at the time
of this writing, 3:47pm CST (1 1/2 hours of cook time), the egg looks egg-xactly the same. Uncooked and disgusting,
though maybe not to a stray dog.
Conclusions:
Don't have many. I laughed a lot. It's still hotter than "scheisse" (German for kaka) outside, although it looks like it might want to rain. Maybe this exercise was like a shaman's ritual and has brought mercy from the rain gods.
It just goes to show you that... it can "hypothetically" feel hot enough to fry an egg, but "actually" it's not. Though, it is actually hot enough to fry a brain in a partially (okay, more than partial) balded scalp.
I'm going to leave the egg in there for a while, but I won't be eating it. I might feed it to our chickens who are all suffering from the lack of sweat glands and skin pores. Whoah... wait a minute... is that a moral contradiction? Feeding eggs to a chicken? Is there such a thing as "Mad Chicken's Disease!?"
Now, we can all relax. For you Preppers and Survivalists... either eat your eggs raw, or learn how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Further conversations of, "I tried to tell you" or "You idiot," will be summarily ignored. I'm too hot and tired to debate any longer. True science has worn me out.
The End.
PS. It's thundering outside, and now I'll even have to unplug my gear!
