Joke of the Day

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1640 on:** 19 Feb 2016, 02:40 am »

Quote from: JerryM on 19 Feb 2016, 02:39 am

Holy shit, Dude.

Yea....It's like that.

JakeJ · « **Reply #1641 on:** 19 Feb 2016, 03:13 am »

Should we take up a collection to send flowers to the wife?

JerryM · « **Reply #1642 on:** 20 Feb 2016, 03:23 am »

What's black and white and tells the Pope to fuck off?

A Nun that just won the lottery.

decal · « **Reply #1643 on:** 23 Feb 2016, 03:51 pm »

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

They're out there and they breed

brooklyn · « **Reply #1644 on:** 24 Feb 2016, 04:22 pm »

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them
suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to
know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days
later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good
news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1645 on:** 24 Feb 2016, 06:03 pm »

Quote from: brooklyn on 24 Feb 2016, 04:22 pm

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them
suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to
know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days
later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good
news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."

jhm731 · « **Reply #1646 on:** 2 Mar 2016, 10:02 pm »

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1647 on:** 8 Mar 2016, 02:23 am »

Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here - try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big; I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night we never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here - you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

JerryM · « **Reply #1648 on:** 8 Mar 2016, 03:23 am »

JerryM · « **Reply #1649 on:** 8 Mar 2016, 04:04 am »

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her; she thinks I'm digging a pond.

brooklyn · « **Reply #1650 on:** 8 Mar 2016, 05:33 am »

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating
table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the
woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and
a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her
way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't
you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

syzygy · « **Reply #1651 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 12:21 am »

A young lady gets a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If you put your ear up to it you can smell the seashore.

dflee · « **Reply #1652 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 01:25 am »

Well, you've all heard the expression "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
This last year I've had the opportunity to meet a couple of guys that reminded me of the phrase.
I came to the conclusion that ya I could piss on them if they were on fire, just not on the fire.

Don

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1653 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 01:33 am »

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Get away from me, you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

JerryM · « **Reply #1654 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 02:40 am »

A Regular tells the bartender one night, "You know, when I left here last night, I was walking home along the train tracks and ran into this girl. Smokin' hot body. Anyway, I took her back to my place and we had wild, crazy sex. I mean everywhere, every position, all night long."

The bartender asks curiously "What color was her hair?" The Regular replies "Oh, I never did find her head."

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1655 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 03:04 am »

Seems my joke flows nicely into yours. Cool.

JerryM · « **Reply #1656 on:** 9 Mar 2016, 03:07 am »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1657 on:** 10 Mar 2016, 01:39 am »

Two Grannies, One Lamborghini

https://youtu.be/LOhu1AmuOGo

Philistine · « **Reply #1658 on:** 14 Mar 2016, 11:02 am »

Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you?," asked Hillary ."Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

dex67 · « **Reply #1659 on:** 15 Mar 2016, 01:21 pm »