Joke of the Day

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mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1680 on: 13 Apr 2016, 08:31 pm »



JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1681 on: 15 Apr 2016, 04:22 am »
Have you seen the movie Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.



 - A seven-year old girl told me that tonight.

 :lol:

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1682 on: 21 Apr 2016, 06:38 pm »



mightym

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1683 on: 21 Apr 2016, 09:17 pm »
It hurts more to take a puck to the 'nads than the head...

It's also easier to dodge with the head than the hips....

Just sayin'



Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1684 on: 22 Apr 2016, 01:37 pm »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1685 on: 22 Apr 2016, 03:19 pm »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1686 on: 22 Apr 2016, 08:58 pm »
If Trump wins the election it will be the first time in US history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1687 on: 26 Apr 2016, 07:27 pm »

mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1688 on: 1 May 2016, 04:59 pm »



mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1689 on: 5 May 2016, 04:03 pm »



Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1690 on: 7 May 2016, 03:04 pm »
Late in the night, a motorcycle rider finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
 
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." 
 
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" 
 
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS  A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1691 on: 9 May 2016, 01:26 pm »
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
 
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

 
  Sally said, "No."
  Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
  Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
  The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 
  One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here."

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1692 on: 11 May 2016, 02:51 am »
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says,"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1693 on: 13 May 2016, 03:27 am »
My kind of guy...


brooklyn

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1694 on: 15 May 2016, 04:50 pm »
So this is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please
note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite
simply and she is speechless after answering only one question.
 
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
 
Woman: Do you drink beer ?
Man: Yes
 
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
 
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is
where it gets scary!)
 
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
 
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3
beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450.00.  In one year, it would be
approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
 
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not
accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts
your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct
 
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so
much beer, that money could have been put in a
step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could
have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
 
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1695 on: 16 May 2016, 12:28 am »
AWESOME!  :lol:

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1696 on: 16 May 2016, 08:29 pm »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1697 on: 20 May 2016, 08:17 pm »
Things Parents tell their kids.

My mom got tired of us eating her scallops when we went to restaurants,
so she told us scallops were dolphin balls.

Dad told me the rumble strips on the highway were for blind drivers.

Dad told me that the oil spots on the street were little kids who got
run over because they didn’t hold their parents’ hands when they crossed.

“When you lie, your ears turn red.” Till I was eight, I covered my
ears every time I lied.

My mom told me women's’ left boob was for white milk and their right
boob was for chocolate milk.

If the ice cream truck is playing music,
it means they have run out of ice cream.

The hills are where giants are buried.

My dad told me that if I swallowed chewing gum,
my poops would bounce out of the toilet.

My mom told me that when an earthquake happens,
It’s because earth is fighting with another planet.

My dad told me Santa was tired of milk and cookies.
I’d get extra toys if I left him Doritos's and beer.

No, this isn’t Coke.
It’s black water.
You wouldn’t like it.

Pushing the seat recline button on an airliner helps the plane take off.
If not enough people push it, the plane will crash.

People get only 10,000 words a month.
If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the next month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, my dad would say,
“Careful. I have to think you’re up over 9,000 now.”

When I was little, Dad told me that PULP FICTION was a documentary
about oranges because he didn’t want me to watch it.

Every time you lie, the baby Jesus gets diarrhea.

If you don’t behave in the McDonald’s drive-through, they give you a Sad Meal.

No, this isn’t a brownie.
It’s a protein bar filled with lots of fiber and spinach.
You wouldn’t like it.

Every time you touch something in a store while I’m shopping, a kitten dies.

If you eat raw cookie dough, you’ll get worms.

If you wander off, the Boogie Man will kill you and make sausages out of you.

They don’t give you ketchup at the McDonald’s drive-through.

They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.

Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties.
You have to be invited to go there.

Calamari is Italian onion rings.

If you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you’ll turn inside out.

I’m your mother. I would never lie to you.

elasticnorseman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1698 on: 23 May 2016, 02:21 pm »
A friend asked me if I knew the definition of a Scottish gentleman.
When I told him that I did not, he replied:
"A Scottish Gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"!

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1699 on: 26 May 2016, 12:51 am »
Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground, going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this interesting, and can barely contain himself as he runs home and tells his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy! I was at the playground and Daddy and...." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story; suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"