Joke of the Day

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1560 on:** 23 Oct 2015, 12:12 pm »

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1561 on:** 23 Oct 2015, 01:16 pm »

JoshK · « **Reply #1562 on:** 23 Oct 2015, 04:54 pm »

nevermind, it was too small to read....

so there is this instead.

JerryM · « **Reply #1563 on:** 23 Oct 2015, 05:52 pm »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1564 on:** 25 Oct 2015, 01:36 am »

dex67 · « **Reply #1565 on:** 27 Oct 2015, 11:18 am »

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1566 on:** 28 Oct 2015, 12:57 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1567 on:** 28 Oct 2015, 08:19 pm »

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

JerryM · « **Reply #1568 on:** 28 Oct 2015, 09:39 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 28 Oct 2015, 12:57 pm

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1569 on:** 29 Oct 2015, 12:49 pm »

Deep thoughts from a seasoned gentleman…

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think It would nice to have another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

PS: What deep thinkers men are.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1570 on:** 1 Nov 2015, 08:55 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #1571 on:** 4 Nov 2015, 04:59 am »

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing...not a damn thing!!

JerryM · « **Reply #1572 on:** 6 Nov 2015, 02:36 am »

A man walks into his son's bedroom and says "Son, if you don't stop doing that you'll go blind."

The kids says "Over here, Dad."

Peter J · « **Reply #1573 on:** 12 Nov 2015, 04:05 pm »

Just been to the gym.

They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

JerryM · « **Reply #1574 on:** 13 Nov 2015, 02:47 am »

^^ That's funny.

I try just a bit harder to stick to the four food groups; Coffee, cigarettes, donuts and beer.

ted_b · « **Reply #1575 on:** 13 Nov 2015, 06:10 pm »

This guy made an amazing Craigslist ad when his girlfriend wanted him to get rid of his dog:

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1576 on:** 13 Nov 2015, 09:46 pm »

FANTASTIC!

JakeJ · « **Reply #1577 on:** 14 Nov 2015, 02:05 am »

Best of CraigsList!

mlundy57 · « **Reply #1578 on:** 15 Nov 2015, 07:21 pm »

Smart man

WGH · « **Reply #1579 on:** 19 Nov 2015, 03:27 am »

It took Morris 5-1/2 years but he finally got payback.
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg753809#msg753809

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I'll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’