Joke of the day

yooper · « **Reply #180 on:** 24 Oct 2008, 01:32 am »

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that location.
She responds... 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

Mark

lonewolfny42 · « **Reply #181 on:** 24 Oct 2008, 03:46 am »

Quote from: yooper on 24 Oct 2008, 01:32 am

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that location.
She responds... 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

Mark

Speaking of blonds....this blond was not very smart...

Link....

"Evans left her purse in the restaurant and they were caught when they returned to get it, police spokesman Mark Natale told The Associated Press."

Hogg · « **Reply #182 on:** 27 Oct 2008, 01:17 am »

How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant?

Marry her..........

Imperial · « **Reply #183 on:** 29 Oct 2008, 12:31 pm »

Hm... I live in Norway, the land of the free and brave.. not afraid of a bit of snow...

So, this is a photo from our largest newspaper...of this mornings road into our capital Oslo.
The tagline says:
"Oh my, this is gonna be expensive folks!
The jokes on us, for the time being. When are we ever gonna learn!!!"

That's what they wrote...
So that's my joke of the day

Of course, yesterday, no snow was to be found... who'd a thunk it!!!

I mean ... all the kids: Yeah!!! the snow!!!
All the parents: Ah darn it, My summer tires are still on!!!

And you know what! I've still got my summer tires on!

Ok... so just HOW bad is it?

This bad..

(kids on their way to school, 'coz the busses are... well, they've got problems..

The joke:
Will a norwegian ever learn that it usually snows in the winter?
No...

Imperial

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #184 on:** 30 Oct 2008, 08:48 pm »

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

JerryM · « **Reply #185 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 12:35 am »

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.''

Have fun,
Jerry

JerryM · « **Reply #186 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 01:01 am »

Three married couples died in a crash and then went to the Pearly Gates. St.Peter immediately told the first husband, “I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “I can't let you in, Sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple, having overheard both conversations before, said, “Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.”

Have fun,
Jerry

JoshK · « **Reply #187 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 03:12 am »

Why do tampons have string's attached?

So the crabs can bungee jump.

Alternate answer: So you can floss after you eat.

JoshK · « **Reply #188 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 03:13 am »

Why is pubic hair curly?

So you don't poke your eyes out.

JerryM · « **Reply #189 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 04:19 am »

Geeze, been tryin' to get back on Topic all night... Sports and jokes... what to do...

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demons to put the man to work on a rock pile, with a 20 pound sledge hammer, in 95 degree heat, with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

The devil told his demons to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

At that, the devil told his demons to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But instead, the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell huh? - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"

Go Saints,
Jerry

jhm731 · « **Reply #190 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 05:50 am »

For Halloween:

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false
alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his
laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What
the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:

"I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

acwd1950 · « **Reply #191 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 11:22 am »

A man ask a woman if shes ever had magical sex. The woman replies no and asks what is that. The man replies we have sex and poof your gone!

Steve

Imperial · « **Reply #192 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 11:36 am »

Quote from: jhm731 on 31 Oct 2008, 05:50 am

For Halloween:

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false
alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his
laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What
the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:

"I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

That's one of the best I've read for years!!!

Crimson · « **Reply #193 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 12:32 pm »

The new local Pastor, Mr Flaps, is walking past his local pub. As he peers through the window, he sees one of his choir girls looking a bit worse for wear. He walks in and says "Hi it's Mr Flaps here, don't you think you have had enough to drink, especially as we are in church tomorrow?".
"No" slurred the girl and grabbed hold of the pastor. As she fell back with him on top of her, the short skirt she was wearing hitches right up to her hips. "What's going on here"? asked the landlord. "Oh, it's OK" replied the pastor. "I'm pastor Flaps" "Well in that case carry on " said the landlord.

Crimson · « **Reply #194 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 12:48 pm »

A 65 year old woman has an appointment with her long time plastic surgeon. Asking whether she could schedule another face lift, the doctor replied, "You've had one too many face lifts, so I advise against it. There is, however, a new procedure where we insert a small screw in the back of your neck. The way it works is you give the screw quarter clockwise twist once every 6 months and it will keep your facial skin nice and taut."

The lady decides to go ahead with the screw implant. After the procedure is over, the doctor reminds her again to limit turning the screw no more than twice a year.

After three months, the woman decides a quick adjustment can't be harmful and reaches behind her neck and gives the screw a quarter twist. One month later she does it again, till she is twisting the screw at least once a week. After a few weeks she notices that the area below her eyes has become quite swollen, but continues to give the screw a weekly twist to the point where the swelling turns in what looks like a large growth below each eye.

She goes back to her surgeon and shows him the growths. He asks, "How often have you been giving the screw a twist?". "I was good in the beginning, but I'm at the point now where I've been doing it once a week", she replies. "That explains it. Those growths below your eyes are your breasts. You've tightened the screw to the point where your chest has been lifted up to your cheeks", he says.

The lady responds,"Well, I guess that explains the goatee".

lonewolfny42 · « **Reply #195 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 03:22 pm »

A little Halloween humor......

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?

Tired blood.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

They're afraid of flying off the handle.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

Spelling!

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

Masked potatoes.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

Bloodhounds.

What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?

Wrap.

What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?

A wash-and-werewolf.

Happy Halloween......

macrojack · « **Reply #196 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 04:01 pm »

Chris - Don't waste all that corn on us -- make ethanol.

lonewolfny42 · « **Reply #197 on:** 31 Oct 2008, 04:07 pm »

Quote from: macrojack on 31 Oct 2008, 04:01 pm

Chris - Don't waste all that corn on us -- make ethanol.

Tom.....I'm looking for cooking oil......

yooper · « **Reply #198 on:** 10 Nov 2008, 08:23 pm »

Olny
srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of t he hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit p clae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Mrak

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #199 on:** 10 Nov 2008, 09:36 pm »

I've seen that before and find it amazing how fast I read through it. Obviously there is something to that whole "human mind" thing.
Although, I'm sure this will send Nathan into seizures. I hope he doesn't see it.

Bob