Joke of the day

aragon63 · « **Reply #160 on:** 8 Oct 2008, 12:25 am »

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Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #161 on:** 9 Oct 2008, 03:23 pm »

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones. Computers with light-speed processing... and more."

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little s***, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #162 on:** 10 Oct 2008, 05:17 pm »

What's the difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker? Answer: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #163 on:** 12 Oct 2008, 12:35 pm »

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5.. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

BUT MOST OF ALL, REMEMBER:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!

PONDERISMS:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to
look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

nathanm · « **Reply #164 on:** 13 Oct 2008, 03:57 pm »

Can a joke have two punchlines? I thought these two could be combined:

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, how may I help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis." he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that!"

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"Because, you've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

After seeing the doctor he referred the man to a urologist. To his surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told him that he had to stop masturbating.

The man said, "Why!?"

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

aragon63 · « **Reply #165 on:** 16 Oct 2008, 06:27 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #166 on:** 16 Oct 2008, 06:28 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #167 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 02:17 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #168 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 02:19 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #169 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 02:24 pm »

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Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #170 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:02 pm »

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &
Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

aragon63 · « **Reply #171 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:12 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #172 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:22 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #173 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:26 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #174 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:31 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #175 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:35 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #176 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:36 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #177 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:41 pm »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #178 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 05:53 pm »

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Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #179 on:** 21 Oct 2008, 06:32 pm »

Quote from: aragon63 on 21 Oct 2008, 05:36 pm

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

see reply #134, p.7 of this thread!