[Len_Dreyer]

After retiring , I went to the Social  Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the  counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in  my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman  that I was very sorry , but I would have to go home and come back  >  later.
The woman said , 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I opened my shirt  revealing my curly silver hair.
She said , 'That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security  application.
When I got home , I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said , 'You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten  Disability , too'
And then the fight started.....


Saturday morning I got up  early , quietly dressed , made my lunch , grabbed the dog , and slipped  quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck and  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing  50 mph , so I pulled back into the garage , turned on the radio , and  discovered that the weather would be bad all day.  I went back into the  house , quietly undressed , and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to  my wife's back , now with a different anticipation , and whispered , 'The  weather out there is terrible.'  My loving wife of 10 years replied ,  'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's  how the fight started ...


My wife and I were sitting at a table  at my high school reunion , and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table.  My wife  asked , 'Do you know her?'  'Yes , ' I sighed , 'she's my old girlfriend. I  understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago , and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says  my wife , 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this  morning.  So , there we were alongside the road and slowly the other  driver got out
of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah , well I couldn't  believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car , looked up  at me , and shouted ,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'  So , I looked down at him  and said , 'Well , then which one are you?'
And then the fight  started.....


A wife is standing nude , looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel  horrible; I look old , fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'  The husband replies , 'Your eyesight's dam near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[Len_Dreyer]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him staring every time.  When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing it would be a good one, and in classic style he didn't bat an eye in response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.'

[yooper]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH.
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'???
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH?(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR?(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree
and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. So I'm going to refer you to my brother.'

'Well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the man replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony.
He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
 

[chadh]

In the middle of a long, trans-Atlantic flight home, a man was suddenly stuck with a terrible case of diarrhea.  When he rose to go to the bathroom, he was horror stricken to see a long line of people waiting.  He knew that he couldn't hold back the tide that was rising within his bowels, and so he turned to a passing flight attendant for help.

In his hour of desperate need, the flight attendant took pity on the man and ushered him toward the special flight attendants' bathroom.  As she unlocked the door, though, she issued a stern warning. 

"Don't press any of the buttons in there, okay?"

The man was in such a hurry that he grunted an assurance, burst inside and took care of business.

It was only after he was finished, and was breathing a sigh of relief, that his eye fell upon a row of four buttons right next to the toilet paper.  He vaguely recalled the warning issued by the flight attendant, but at this point his curiosity had the better of him.  He reached out and pressed the first button, which was marked with the letters WW.

Immediately, a jet of warm water spurted over his rear, gently washing his ass.

"No wonder they keep this bathroom locked," thought the man.  "If people knew about this sort of luxury on the flight, everyone would want to use this bathroom."

The man was so pleased with the first button that he quickly pressed the second, this one marked with the letters WA.  As soon as the button was pressed, a gentle jet of warm air began to blow over his wet ass, quickly drying him in a very pleasant way.

The man was thrilled and so decided to press the third button, marked PP.  He heard a strange whirring noise coming from the toilet bowl as a small mechanical arm extended and began to pat his ass with a delicate pink powder puff.  It tickled a little: but, he reflected, his ass had probably never smelled as good as it did right then.

"These buttons are fantastic, " he exclaimed as he reached for the fourth button, marked ATR.

Moments later, everyone on board the plane stopped what he was doing instantly as blood curdling cry erupted from the flight attendants' bathroom.  For the man inside, everything went totally black.

Hours later the man regained consciousness and found himself lying in a hospital bed.  Nothing was familiar, except for the scowling face of a woman sitting next to his bed.  It was the flight attendant who had showed him to the bathroom on board the plane.

"What happened? "  he asked.  "I don't remember a thing."

The flight attendant glared at him, replying, "You said you wouldn't press any of the buttons!"

He was confused, and said, "I don't understand.  I pressed the WW button, and my ass was washed with warm water.  I pressed the WA button and my ass was dried with warm air.  I pressed the PP button, and my ass was patted with a powder puff."

"Right," said the flight attendant.  "But what on earth possessed you to press the automatic tampon removal button?"

"By the way," she added, "the surgeon said you could find your penis under your pillow."

Chad

[Bob in St. Louis]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying  "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium-rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....

 

[nathanm]

So the force required to remove a tampon is enough to tear a penis off its mooring?  Yikes!  Maybe the machine was not adjusted correctly.  A ghoulish genital mutilation could've probably been prevented by a simple explanation by the flight attendant about what the buttons did exactly, but then we would not have such a funny joke.

[BobM]

So the force required to remove a tampon is enough to tear a penis off its mooring?  Yikes!  Maybe the machine was not adjusted correctly.  A ghoulish genital mutilation could've probably been prevented by a simple explanation by the flight attendant about what the buttons did exactly, but then we would not have such a funny joke.

Feeling literal today Nathan? 

[chadh]

So the force required to remove a tampon is enough to tear a penis off its mooring? 

Nathan, it made me giggle to think about mooring a penis.  I think the biggest problem would be deciding where to attach the ropes.  Oh, and the fear of having to remove barnacles.

Yikes!  Maybe the machine was not adjusted correctly.  A ghoulish genital mutilation could've probably been prevented by a simple explanation by the flight attendant about what the buttons did exactly, but then we would not have such a funny joke.

At least you thought it was funny!

Cheers.

Chad

p.s. Where did all the "and then the fight started" jokes come from?  Is this a new genre or joke, or the product of a famous comic I've never encountered?

[lonewolfny42]

A blonde and a redhead were walking down the street and passed a flower shop where the redhead spotted her boyfriend buying her flowers.

She sighed and said, “Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”

The blonde looked at the redhead quizzically and said, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”

The redhead replied, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after he gives them to me, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

To which the blonde said, “Don’t you have a vase?” 


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!' 

[mightym]

One Blonde joke deserves another.....

A Blonde is driving down the highway when she notices another apparently trying to row a rowboat across a plowed field.  She jams on the brakes, and screeches to a halt.

Jumping out of the car she hurries to the fence and yells out:

   "Hey you dumb Blonde, what the hell do your think your doing?"  "It's dumb Blonde bimbo's like you that give the rest of us a bad name."  "Why, if I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass."

[Captain Humble]

Texas Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

Dallas, TX,  January 8, 2009
 
A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.  The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.  After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 
 
OUCH!

It was a rough year for us Saints / Cowboy fans.
Now both the Manning boys are out as well.  

[Bob in St. Louis]

 
Robin will LOVE that one. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

::: BREAKING NEWS :::


In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!

[doug s.]

to where???  this country will be pretty empty...   

doug s.

::: BREAKING NEWS :::


In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!

[charmerci]

(Sorry about the all caps on the first one.)

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS  RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN, WITH PROCEEDS SENT TO THE CHURCH OF ORIGIN.

 
THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS.


Q: If you had 12 pinon nuts in one hand and 13 pinon nuts in the other hand, what would you have?

A: A difference of a pinon.

Q: Do you know what they call it when a cowgirl marries a cowboy?

A: A Western Union.

Q: What do you get when you divide a pumpkin’s circumference by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi!

---

The Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.

'Lissin' a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always remember me.

The grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really donna lika guns.

Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?'

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; 'Shuddupan lissin'.

Somma day, you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful a wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple a bambinos.'

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; 'Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do.. pointa to you watch and say 'Times up?'

[charmerci]

"...the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone."

This year, the Detroit Lions would be far more accurate. "...Detroit Lions, who aren't capable of beating anyone."

[thunderbrick]

Yeah, but the Lions don't PRETEND to be a football team the way the 'pokes do.  America's team, my a**.   

[Imperial]

So, there was this swede Norwegian and Dane that was having a competition on who
could first... eh... hehe ... HEHE 

OK. Once more then...

So, there was this swede Norwegian and Dane that was having a competition on
who was first able to ... eh... hehe ... HEHE 

Dang! It's so funny, everytime I try to type it, I just start rolling on the floor laughing, and then I can't reach the keyboard!!!

Ok! Once more!

Heh... 

Ah, Never mind... The joke is about who could first type the joke online without ....

Huh... What I wouldn't give to be from Finland right about now...  (I would then be able to Finnish the joke...)

Imperial ( eh... riiiiight...)

[mightym]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
 
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike
 for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her
room
 and sat down to write God a letter.
 
LETTER 1
 
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday I want a red one.
 
Your friend,
Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year,
so she tore up the letter and started over
 
LETTER 2
 
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.
 
LETTER 3
 
Dear God:
 
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
 
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.
 
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
 
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,
slipped it under her jacket, and ran out of the church down the street, into
her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote
 her
letter to God.
 
LETTER 4

God:
 
I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
 
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO