Joke of the day

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aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #100 on: 7 Jul 2008, 01:43 pm »
 :wink:
« Last Edit: 21 Oct 2008, 10:41 pm by aragon63 »

BobM

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #101 on: 8 Jul 2008, 11:42 am »


=========================================================
Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
 
He said 'How bad is it doc? . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiancée, Lena  is still a wirgin - in every vay'.
 
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in
a splint to let it  heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week.'
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . quite an
impressive work of art.
 
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they
go on their honeymoon.
 
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to
Reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'
 
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . .
'Look at dis,  ......still in da CRATE!'

Bemopti123

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #102 on: 8 Jul 2008, 02:26 pm »
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must
be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender packs it into the jar. "OK,"
the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,"Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands
and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks,
but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and
soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pitbull
yelping and then. .silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.

"Now," he says. "where zat woman with the sore tooth?"

Dude, made me cry with that one.   :thumb:

denjo

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #103 on: 8 Jul 2008, 02:34 pm »
Spoilt son goes on a lavish vacation, financially sponsored by his dad. While away in this exotic place, his expensive lifestyle quickly exhausts all the money he has. He then writes his dad a postcard: " No mon, no fun, your son!". His dad recieves the postcard and sends one with these words, "Too bad, so sad, your dad!"

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #104 on: 9 Jul 2008, 05:11 pm »
----------------
« Last Edit: 21 Oct 2008, 10:41 pm by aragon63 »

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #105 on: 9 Jul 2008, 05:29 pm »
----------
« Last Edit: 21 Oct 2008, 10:42 pm by aragon63 »

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #106 on: 9 Jul 2008, 06:07 pm »
deleted
« Last Edit: 15 Oct 2015, 10:12 pm by aragon63 »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #107 on: 10 Jul 2008, 08:42 pm »
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was
good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'  The teacher sat down and cried.

WGH

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #108 on: 8 Aug 2008, 10:57 pm »
Does this cross the line?


A priest offered a Nun a lift.
 
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 
The priest nearly had an accident.
 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #109 on: 11 Aug 2008, 06:30 pm »
Sunday Morning Sex
"I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear", replied granny."'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, and even .Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. She paused to wipe
away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck
hadn't come along..."

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #110 on: 12 Aug 2008, 02:10 am »
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he completely understood.

Over at the neighbor's house, Johnnie looked in the crib and said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Can he see okay?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have perfect 20/20 vision."

"That's good", said Little Johnnie, " 'cause he'd be f#%*d if he needed glasses".

Have fun,
Jerry

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #111 on: 12 Aug 2008, 11:01 am »
 :lol:

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #112 on: 12 Aug 2008, 10:44 pm »
This is a bit long, but very good......

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically...

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . .um . . .masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . ..I'm picturing you pulling on its...its... teeny, little ,,,,' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50..

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards LAY EGGS  :oops:

yooper

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #113 on: 12 Aug 2008, 11:36 pm »
How to tell if you are Mom's favorite.


jimdgoulding

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #114 on: 16 Aug 2008, 05:43 pm »
Over on hifi wigwam in Britian, I thought a guy was giving me some grief early on so I posted the following which includes a joke:

First, the grief:  "...setting aside Numnuts inability to tell sublimity from a screwdriver in the ear, I tried a set of RA "focal pads" on the PMC GB1s I owned millenia ago, and they did a little to tame the Mk1's often wayward treble.

This stuff ain't foo-foo - quite a number of manufacturers, including Neat and Roksan, use similar baffle diffractors as standard fit.  Since they do nothing aesthetically and are not mentioned in marketing, it seems reasonable to suppose they make enough difference to the sound to be worth the extra cost...

If you can live with the looks, they're definitely worth experimenting with.

churz, sod"

To which I replied:  "Several posts ago, I replied to a post by Papa Lazaron (hi, papa).  I thought Papa was too easily dismissing a very effective accessory, at least to all that use it.  And that’s magnanimous unanimous, BTW, in the 10 months since I began making my version for others.  Anyway, Earl of Sodbury chided my lack of appreciation of sublimity.  Pretty snobbish thought I.   He doesn’t know what all I appreciate and my reply was simply a friendly buzz off.  Tit for tat and all that.  Earl of Sodbury was quite fair to the theory behind the product, however.  I am not mean spirited in the least and I want to dispel the rumor right here and now that neither my nuts nor my brain is numb.   You can call home and ask Earl’s wife!   And I had that screwdriver removed from my ear 6 months ago.  I think Papa understood that I was simply jesting and plugging the aspect that we deliver to the door (courtesy of the mailman or woman).  And I took the liberty of dropping in a picture to contrast what I do with things you may have seen elsewhere.  On British speaks, no less. 

Let’s have a little joke that you may find funny.  All but Earl, maybe, I just can’t tell-  A broker from good ole Sodbury decided that he was tired of making money for the ruling class and longed for the wide open spaces, so he liquidated everything, bought some property online, and headed for Texas.  His first morning at his new digs, he put on the clothes he’d bought to fit his new image and headed down the road in search of his nearest neighbor.  After he had driven about 50 miles, he spotted a mailbox beside a dirt road and turned in to see where it led.  Sitting on his porch, his neighbor saw a cloud of dust on the horizon.  A half an hour later, a bright new red pick up emerged and pulled up to his porch.  “Howdy partner” said the lad from Sodbury as he dismounted his truck.  “I’m your new neighbor and I’m pleased to meet ya.  What ya’ll do around here for fun?” says he in his best new brogue.  The old fart on the porch says “Well, how’d you like to come to a party I’m havin”.  “Oh, heck yeah, that’s mighty neighborly of ya” says the newbie.  “Well, there might be some drinkin” says the old fart.   “Jolly good, mate, I mean, friend” says our boy.  “Well, there might be some fightin” says old fart.  “Oh, that’s quite alright.  Queen’s rules and all that.  I boxed at college” raves our boy.  “Well, there might be some fuckin” says the old fart.  “I say, this is getting better by the minute!  Tell me, what should I wear?”  To which the old man replied, “Oh, it don’t much matter, ain’t gonna be nobody here but me and you!”

Well, I had completely misunderstood.  Turns out Earl's reply was to a fellow who had posted in the interim:  "Now just a cotton pickin' minute Jim!  Actually, I owe you an apology for assuming you'd know that "numnuts" is an affectionate nickname for Icehockeyboy, with whom I enjoy a form of abusive banter.  So, the screwdrive/ear interface jibe wasn't meant for you at-all, rather the bit about: "try this sort-of-a-thing, it actually works" was the jist of the message aimed at you and the public at large!

Sorry for the misunderstanding, and do, please keep posting!

Churz! Sod."

Terribly nice chap it turns out.  Lucky for me, he's a moderator.


« Last Edit: 16 Aug 2008, 07:09 pm by jimdgoulding »

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #115 on: 28 Aug 2008, 12:01 am »

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #116 on: 30 Aug 2008, 02:05 am »
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« Last Edit: 21 Oct 2008, 10:42 pm by aragon63 »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #117 on: 30 Aug 2008, 12:37 pm »
This one is GOOD!............  aa


 
Retirement Dinner
   
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.   I was appalled."
   
"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
   
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and  gave his talk:
   
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

   
Moral:   Never,   Never,  Never Be Late  :nono:

 
 

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #118 on: 31 Aug 2008, 02:23 am »
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« Last Edit: 15 Oct 2015, 10:12 pm by aragon63 »

aragon63

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #119 on: 31 Aug 2008, 02:27 am »
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« Last Edit: 15 Oct 2015, 10:12 pm by aragon63 »