[decal]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my
pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the heck did you bring him home for?”
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

[jimdgoulding]

 

[rodge827]

BODY FOUND ON GOLF COURSE
 
Today, Police found an unidentified man's nude body buried in a sand trap.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Pecker.
 
 You Okay???

[thunderbrick]

 

[WireNut]

[jhm731]

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:
 
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
 Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlord

[Guy 13]

Hi all Audio Circle members.
One piece of furniture to fill completely a large apartment
that's quite a demand.
 
My wife told me once, that my piece of furniture fill perfectly her apartment.
I'm lucky that she never access this forum, otherwise,
I would be dead by now or I would be on a sex regime with her as a revenge.
 
Guy 13

[decal]

A group of women were at a seminar on 'how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.'

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:


1. Who is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?


3. I love you too.


4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What did you do now?


7. ?!?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

[bside123]

Two silk worms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. 

[decal]

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDENESS

FIRST DEGREE
A blonde and her husband were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
She picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that honey?"
She answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!!"  The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her husband of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She returns to their house unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of another woman. Well, the blonde is really angry. She pulls out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. Her husband yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
A blonde in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked her if he knew what Roe vs..
Wade was about. The blonde pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, the blonde moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[won ton on]

good one esp. 7

[mikeeastman]

There are three kinds of people in this world 1: Optimist- the glass is half full  2: Pessimist- the glass is half empty 3: Pragmatist- Hey there's room for Vodka!

[coke]

There are three kinds of people in this world 1: Optimist- the glass is half full  2: Pessimist- the glass is half empty 3: Pragmatist- Hey there's room for Vodka!

There are 10 kinds of people in this world.  Those who understand binary and those who do not. 

[jhm731]

Wife's Diary:
 
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to eat at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
 
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
 
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster......
 

Husband's Diary:
 
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

[JerryM]

Any time I start to feel blue, and don't want to, I watch this video. The laugh gets me every time. 

Have fun,

Jerry

[FullRangeMan]

Nerds are not virgins.

[jhm731]

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
 
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Letitroll98]

 

[decal]

[jhm731]

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have
the curliest hair?

Fiji was the correct answer.