Joke of the Day

Sarmck · « **Reply #540 on:** 26 Feb 2013, 10:49 pm »

The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard......

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “we’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

decal · « **Reply #541 on:** 27 Feb 2013, 06:42 am »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars. 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
'What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

dflee · « **Reply #542 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:59 am »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by Indians. Thus the Lone Ranger
states "Tonto we're surrounded by Indians" and Tonto replies "Whats this we
shit kemosabe".

decal · « **Reply #543 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 12:42 pm »

doug s. · « **Reply #544 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 01:02 pm »

Quote from: decal on 27 Feb 2013, 06:42 am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars. 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
'What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

the 1st time i heard this joke, it was holmes & watson...

doug s.

munosmario · « **Reply #545 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:29 pm »

Quote from: doug s. on 28 Feb 2013, 01:02 pm

the 1st time i heard this joke, it was holmes & watson...

doug s.

Same here, doug s. Heard it about 15 years ago while in business in South Africa and it stayed in my memory as a true classic. In that version Holmes and Watson are camping in the English country side. Holmes wakes up and, then, proceeds to wake up Watson while saying "Dear Dr. Watson, look up, what do you see?" "The sky, Mr. Holmes" he replies. Holmes, then, in his traditional logic-based quering manner, asks "My dear Dr., what conclusion does you draw from it?" Watson replies with a string of scientific, philosofical, and theological considerations which Holmes interrupts with the famous punch line " My dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"

Mario

decal · « **Reply #546 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:41 pm »

Quote from: munosmario on 28 Feb 2013, 02:29 pm

Same here, doug s. Heard it about 15 years ago while in business in South Africa and it stayed in my memory as a true classic. In that version Holmes and Watson are camping in the English country side. Holmes wakes up and, then, proceeds to wake up Watson while saying "Dear Dr. Watson, look up, what do you see?" "The sky, Mr. Holmes" he replies. Holmes, then, in his traditional logic-based quering manner, asks "My dear Dr., what conclusion does you draw from it?" Watson replies with a string of scientific, philosofical, and theological considerations which Holmes interrupts with the famous punch line " My dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"

Mario

The punch line should read, " Elementary my dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"

JerryM · « **Reply #547 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:46 pm »

A woman burst out of the examinination room, screaming hysterically, after her young doctor told her that she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the director had her sit down and relax in another room. He marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren. You told her she's pregnant??” The young physician, continuing to write his notes without looking up at his superior, asked “Does she still have the hiccups?”

decal · « **Reply #548 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:50 pm »

munosmario · « **Reply #549 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:50 pm »

Quote from: decal on 28 Feb 2013, 02:41 pm

The punch line should read, " Elementary my dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"

Bravo, my dear decal. You are totally right, I truly commend you for being such a purist

Mario

underdawg · « **Reply #550 on:** 28 Feb 2013, 02:56 pm »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #551 on:** 5 Mar 2013, 02:22 pm »

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

underdawg · « **Reply #552 on:** 5 Mar 2013, 03:07 pm »

jaywills · « **Reply #553 on:** 5 Mar 2013, 03:25 pm »

How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see who's happiest to see you.

ken · « **Reply #554 on:** 5 Mar 2013, 08:04 pm »

There's a truck driver stuck in traffic on the Beltway in D.C. the traffic is at a standstill and hasn't moved for over an hour.

Somebody approaches his vehicle saying someone is holding the entire House or Representatives hostage and is threatening to douse them all with gas and light them on fire unless he gets a one hundred million dollar ransome

The truck driver turns to the man and asks what on average is everyone giving and says "oh about a gallon"

thunderbrick · « **Reply #555 on:** 5 Apr 2013, 09:41 pm »

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

mikeeastman · « **Reply #556 on:** 5 Apr 2013, 09:50 pm »

won ton on · « **Reply #557 on:** 5 Apr 2013, 09:55 pm »

Good one.......rotflmao

jhm731 · « **Reply #558 on:** 10 Apr 2013, 01:53 am »

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?"

"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck!"

"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Alexdad54 · « **Reply #559 on:** 10 Apr 2013, 02:22 am »