[Bob in St. Louis]

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches
at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the
lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

[richidoo]

ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on
cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts...and not listening to them.

[Bob in St. Louis]

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry. It took the family
two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

[JakeJ]

My New Parrot

 Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

 The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
 Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
 profanity.

 I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
 saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could
 think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

 Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

 The parrot yelled back.

 I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

 So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.

 For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

 Then suddenly there was total quiet.

 Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

 I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

 The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said


 "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
 actions.

 I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
 I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
 unforgivable behavior."

 I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

 As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
 change in his behavior, the bird continued,

 "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

[Folsom]

The economy.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Where’s My Sunday Paper


Where IS my SUNDAY paper?" 
The irate customer called the newspaper office 
loudly demanding to know 
where her Sunday edition was. 

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, 
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is 
not delivered until 
tomorrow... on Sunday."
 
There was quite a long pause on the other end 
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, 
as she was heard to mutter,  

"Well, shit, so that's why no one was 
at church today."

[Bob in St. Louis]

None of that Sissy Crap ========
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces here-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

 
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

 
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

 
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

 
7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

 
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--
After I laugh my butt off!!

 
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

 
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think
of 4.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Smart assed answers:

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see  your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'   

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who  was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.  The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.'  Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher  reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't  tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,  'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'   The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Bonus extra:
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;  I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

 

 

[lonewolfny42]

Well...its finally here.....the Keyboard For Blondes........so who's laughing now....

[Bob in St. Louis]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a
black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of
my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather
bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband
came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?

[JerryM]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a
black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of
my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather
bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband
came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?

That reminds me..

The three phases of married life sex:

Floor sex: When you're first married and you just do it all the time, on the floor, anywhere.

Bedroom sex: You still have sex a lot, but only in the bedroom.

Hallway sex: When you pass eachother in the hall you say "F#*k You!"

Have fun,
Jerry

[Bob in St. Louis]

STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his  chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

[yooper]

Time for Christmas jokes....






Mark

[BobM]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt- naked, and holding his 'you-know- what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[woodsyi]

Be careful.  Be very careful before you end up in the DH.

http://adage.com/brightcove/single.php?bcpid=1370868150&bctid=3130509001

[Bob in St. Louis]

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:  'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start..  Out of those of you who believe in  ghosts,  do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their  hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. 

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has  ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell  us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and  a grin and began to make  his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of  the room, the  professor Asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex  with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you Said.........'Goats!

[yooper]

Bear Remover 

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof! So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab him by his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[JerryM]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! ....I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Oilers's season tickets.
HE paid for your Eskimos' season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake .
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and
HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[Wind Chaser]

Good one Bob.   It wouldn't surprise me at all if there was an element or two of truth to it given the locations, Edmonton, Sylvan Lake and Canmore.  Alberta is one of the most affluent places on the planet with a very strong economy.