I knew that this should get adapted someday. I take no credit whatsoever - I’m plagiarizing shamelessly from a message on Collecting Bicycles, written by Knapp Hudson (
[email protected]) on 26 Aug 1995 (which you’ll find out in reading was also plagiarized from another source).
Without further ado:
********************
It takes a lot of planning to be able to accumulate an AV equipment collection. For those of you who have not yet begun to accumulate your collection I would like to suggest a strategy for your consideration. This strategy is to be used when your significant other, be they he, she, or undecided, does not share your passion for acquiring electronics.
The Strategy is based on the writings of Patrick McManus, author of The Grasshopper Trap - also They Shoot Canoes, Don't They, Real Ponies Don't Go Oink!, Never Sniff a Gift Fish, and A Fine and Pleasant Misery. All of these books are great reading. Just don't try to read them when your partner is trying to sleep, your laughs are sure to wake them.
In The Grasshopper Trap there is a chapter titled Gunrunning in which McManus provides a primer on strategies and tactics for bringing a new gun home. This advice is appropriate for AV electronics collectors also. The following is taken from McManus' book substituting AV electronics for guns:
Now here’s the typical situation the new collector faces. He or she will start with basic stereo or home theater, their partner granting them the benefit of the doubt that this is actually needed. After you get a basic setup, the first argument that you need an upgrade or a new piece of electronics be dismissed by your partner with an upward roll of the eyeballs and a big sigh. We are talking only the first item here, remember, nothing more. If you are newly together, upward-rolling eyeballs and big sighs may seem formidable obstacles, but they're really not that serious. Go buy your new thingie and bring it home. The eye-roll and big sighs will let up after a few days. Now comes the biggie - the second new piece.
With the mere mention that you need something more, the partner skips right over the eyeball-rolling and big sighs and goes directly to a recital of your deficiencies of character, weird quirks, and all sins committed to date. They will bring up such matters as saving for retirement, the fact they are still wearing the clothes their parents bought them in high school, the threatening note from the electric company, etc. "And you want another toy!" they will finish, the sarcasm flickering about the room like sheet lightening.
The second additional piece is the tough one, and in the face of this assault, there is always the temptation to sneak it in. That's a mistake. Your partner's knowing you purchased something new is essential to further development of your collection. Here's why. After you bring it home and show it to your partner, they will shake their head and say, "I don't know why you need all that." Note that they don't list the items but rather the vague and general "all that." Henceforth, they will think of your AV equipment collection not in terms of specific numbers but as a single collective entity - all!
To thoroughly grasp this important concept, suppose your partner is looking at your home theater/sound room. "You and all your equipment," they might say, possibly with a very tiny tolerant smile. What they fail to notice is that is that you’ve added yet another piece! Once the psychological barrier of the second new box is crossed, the collection can be expanded indefinitely with the partner's not noticing, provided you use some common sense and don't add too much at once. Two to three a year is about right, spaced at decent intervals.
There is one pitfall in this strategy - the equipment rack. Although your partner will never bother to count the boxes, they will notice the empty spaces. Therefore, you must make sure that there the rack always has three empty slots, even as your collection expands from four to forty. If you plan on enlarging your collection, select a rack that can be expanded by adding on new sections, so that there are always three or more empty slots. It works.
But how do you get all those boxes into the house without your partner's knowing, you ask. Actually, it is all right if every few years you simply walk right into the house and say, "Look, dear, I bought a new piece of gear."
"Neato," they will say. "I'm ecstatic. Now tell me, why did you want to buy it when you already have all that other stuff? I'll bet you haven't used most of them in the past five years."
Use them? Yes, a partner will actually say that. They will not be able to comprehend that you needed the gear because you needed it. They will not understand that you need that preamp just to be there, to be your preamp, to be looked at and fondled from time to time. They will not be able to fathom that you need a phono stage even though you’ve spent the last year improving your 7.1 home theater. Tell them an AV equipment collection is like wilderness. Even though we don't use all of it all the time, we need to know it's there. Probably it won't do any good to tell them that, buts it's worth a try.
Stating the simple truth often works in explaining an occasional purchase. But why take unnecessary risks? Go with your best lie and get it stashed in your expandable rack as quickly as possible.
Oddly enough, there are a few really good lies for explaining the purchase of a new piece of gear. There's the classic "A Fantastic Bargain," of course, in which you will tell your partner that the SACD player you just paid $995 for was on sale for $139. If their eyebrows shoot up in disbelief, you mention that three men in white coats showed up at the audio shop and led the manager away before he could slash the prices on the rest of their inventory. Indeed, you say, you could have bought power conditioners for your whole system for a total of eighty-five dollars, but you didn't want to take excessive advantage of a crazy person.
The "Play on Their Sympathy Ploy" works well on young, inexperienced partners. It goes something like this: Rush into the house wiping tears of joy from your cheeks. Then cry out, "Look, look! A person at work sold me this Macintosh amplifier. Its identical to the one my grandfather gave me on his deathbed. Gramps said to me, I'm givin' you ol' Betsy here, because every time you listen to it, you will remember all the good times you and I had together.' Oh, how I hated to sell that amp to pay for mother's operation! But now I got one just like it! Or maybe it's even the same amp! Do you think it might actually be the same amp?"
Warning! Don't try the Sympathy Ploy on your partner if you have been together for longer than five years, unless you want to see a person laugh themselves sick. It's a disgusting spectacle, I can tell you.
The "Fantastic Investment" lie will work on occasion provided you lay the ground work carefully in advance. "That ol' Harvey Schmartz is a shrewd one," you say. "He bought this classic turntable for six hundred dollars as an investment. Three weeks later he sold it for eighty-seven thousand dollars! Boy I wish I could lay my hands on a collectable turntable. We'd sell it when we retire and buy us a condo in Aspen and tour Europe with the change."
After you've used up all your best lies, you are left with only one option. You must finally screw up your courage, square your jaw, and make up your mind that you are going to do what you probably should have done all along - sneak the new equipment into the house.
Here are some proven techniques for stereo-sneaking:
The Surprise Party -You arrive home and tell your partner that you have to go to a surprise birthday party for one of your riding partners and picked up a special cake on your way home. "Oh, how clever!" they will exclaim. "A birthday cake shaped like a DVD player. This is also known as "The DVD-in-Cake Trick."
The Lamps - You buy a lampshades and attach then to your new speakers. "Look, sweetheart," you say to your partner. "I bought new lamps for the living room." They gag. "Not for this living room," they growl. "Take it to your home theater and don't ever let me see those monstrosities again!" A variation on this ploy is to paste photos on surround sound speakers and call them wall art.
The Loan - A audio friend shows up at your door and hands you your new equalizer. "Thanks for loaning me one of your equalizers," they say. "I'll do the same for you sometime." Make sure your accomplice can be trusted, though. I tried "The Loan" with a friend one time and he didn't show up at my door with the equalizer for a month, on the day after he finally got a new subwoofer with a built-in eq, as I recall.
Spare Parts-Disassemble the your new universal transport and carry it home in shopping bags. Mention casually to your partner that you picked up some odds and ends from the junk bin down at Joe's audio shop. If there is a question about the enclosure, you can explain that you found it at the dump when you were taking the trash. Works like a charm! (By the way, does anyone know how to align a laser?)
Hope the above ideas are helpful in building your collection.
