[Guy 13]

Atheist Holy Day


In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

 The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

 The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

 The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

 The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

 The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..."

[Guy 13]

Beautiful or Cute???


There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

 His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

 His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

 Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'

 She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

 His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"

[Guy 13]

Cross Eyed Bull


Bill had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

 "Bill, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

 The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Bill was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

 He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me 1000 bucks for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

 He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Bob.

 "Bob, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

 Bill started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

 Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

 Bob went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

 "What the hell are you doing, Bob?" says Bill.

 "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

[Guy 13]

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit noticed the crow and asked:
“ Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long ? “
The crow answered:
“ Sure, why not. “
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“ I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree.”
Sighed the turkey, “ But I haven’t got the energy. “
“ Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my dropping ? “
Replied the bull.
“ They are packed with nutrients ”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A CUP OF TEA
 
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
 
I was maybe 2-1/2 years old.  Someone had given me a little
'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
 
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
 
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
 
My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing'!
 
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa and she watched him drink it up.
 
Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it
ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?"
 

[Bob in St. Louis]

The Mailman
 

One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'

[Peter J]

Particularly Nasty Weather

It’s a wintry Friday night at the Interlude; Ernie is sitting by himself at the bar loosening up after a long week. Since he had no one else to talk to he strikes up a conversation with Larry, who’s sitting a couple of bar stools down.

As often happens when single guys start yappin’, the conversation eventually turned to women. Many stories and a few drinks later, Ernie announces that he’s the best pickup artist ever. Having heard it all before, Larry kinda blows it off, but Ernie persists.  “No, really, man, I can pick up any girl in this bar…I’m not kidding.” Larry recognizes that Ernie’s probably full of himself, not to mention alcohol, so asks “if you’re so good, prove it!” “You’re on!” shouts Ernie.

They both scan the place for a likely candidate and agree that Ernie will prove his prowess on a hot looking blonde sitting alone at the end of the bar. Ernie belts down a couple shots and confidently walks up and semi whispers to her, “tickle your a** with a feather?” The surprised blond throws him a look and says “what did you say?” Ernie quickly backs down and says “particularly nasty weather”.  “Ummm, I guess it is” blondie retorts and Ernie slinks away.

Witness to all this, Larry has a good laugh and rips into his new-found friend “ Ohhh, that was smooth, you really think that will work?” “It will work and I’m not giving up yet,” says Ernie. Anxious to further humiliate Ernie and entertain himself he simply says “OK”.

After a couple more drinks and a few more jabs from Larry, Ernie looks around the bar to acquire his next target. Spotting a table with two attractive women he says to Larry, “Watch this”.  He confidently strides up to the ladies’ table and asks “tickle your a** with a feather?”  “Whattt?” the ladies respond in unison. “Particularly nasty weather” Ernie deftly replies. They shrug, give him the brush-off and he retreats to his bar stool only to be mercilessly taunted by Larry. “This is crazy, you dumbass, I can’t believe you think that line will work. Nobody’s going to go for it.” Not one to be discouraged easily, Ernie takes his lumps and vows, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”.

Larry had no idea what this guy’s story was, but was happy to see him make a fool of himself, so after buying Ernie a few more shots he challenges him to try his “foolproof" method again.  Ernie seems eager and at that moment a gorgeous brunette walks in. Ernie sidles up to her, and asks (you see this coming, right?) “Tickle your a** with a feather? She looks him straight in the eye and says “I’d love that”. She took his arm, wheeled around and they left the bar.

Larry was dumbfounded; never in a million years did he imagine this would work. It so impressed him, he decided to try it for himself, but he needed courage… and lots of it. Running the scene through his mind over and over, and drinking more and more, he sat there till it was near closing time. Three sheets to the wind, but not one to back down from a challenge, he mustered all his macho, put on his best air of confidence and strode up to a woman he’d had his eye on all night and said:









 “Stick a feather up your a**, baby?” “WHAT?!” “Colder than f**k outside".

[dex67]

After every flight, pilots for Australia's Qantas airline fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the last flight.

 The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

 By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 P = The problem logged by pilot.
 S = The solution and action taken by the mechanic.

 P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on backorder.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.

 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to a more believable level.

 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what they're there for.

 P: IFF inoperative.
 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 P: Aircraft handles funny.
 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.

 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 S: Took hammer away from midget.

[dex67]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

 At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions:-

 1. Why did the Russians take Crimea?
 2. Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

 Putin says "Good questions...", but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

 When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are:-

 1. Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
 2. Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
 3. Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
 4. Where is Sasha?"

[thunderbrick]

 

[Guy 13]

 

[Russell Dawkins]

Vladimir Putin is at the immigration desk in a foreign airport.
"Occupation?" asks the agent, without looking up.
"No, just visiting" says Putin.

[milford3]

[Bob in St. Louis]

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

5.  A  recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[thunderbrick]

Vladimir Putin is at the immigration desk in a foreign airport.
"Occupation?" asks the agent, without looking up.
"No, just visiting" says Putin.

 

[brooklyn]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or
wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next
time you see a bottle of wine:

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern
Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the
road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the
Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small
talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking
intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ..."

[Bob in St. Louis]

[Bob in St. Louis]

Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing.   
He asked his wife Mary if she would go
to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. 
Mary agreed to go. 
 
While she was waiting for the manager to
finish serving a customer, her eye caught a
beautiful bathroom faucet.  When the manager
was finished, Mary asked him,
How much is that faucet? 
 
The manager replied, That's a gold plated
faucet and the price is $500.00.   
Mary exclaimed, My goodness, that's an
expensive faucet and certainly 
out of my price range!  She then proceeded to
describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. 
 
The manager said that he had them
in stock and went into the storeroom 
to get one.  From the storeroom the manager
yelled, Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge? 
 
Mary shouted back, No, but I will for the faucet. 
 

[Bob2]

There are some advantages having the name Bob.
It's easy to spell, you can spell it backwards and it says the same thing.

It even saves money!
The other day I had decided to have Bob tattooed on my butt. I figured it would be a good conversation starter, easy identification ect..

When the tattoo artist finished he only charged me $12. I asked why it was so cheap. He said it was so cheap because I didn't need to buy a vowel.
Bob is a great name!!!

[sebrof]

There are some advantages having the name Bob.
It's easy to spell, you can spell it backwards and it says the same thing.

It even saves money!
The other day I had decided to have Bob tattooed on my butt. I figured it would be a good conversation starter, easy identification ect..

When the tattoo artist finished he only charged me $12. I asked why it was so cheap. He said it was so cheap because I didn't need to buy a vowel.
Bob is a great name!!!

But Bob has a vowel??
I don't get it