[jhm731]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The
President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! We call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People .

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely Soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[G Georgopoulos]

There were two friends and one said to the other,you know mr x passed away, will you go to his funeral,and then the other replies,why go, he wont come to mine...

 

[geezer]

There were two friends and one said to the other,you know mr x passed away, will you go to his funeral,and then the other replies,why go, he wont come to mine...

 

This is a twist on a comment by Yogi Berra, of several decades ago. When asked whether he would be going to an acquaintance's funeral, he replied "Sure, because if you don't go to his, he won't go to yours."

[JerryM]

[Goosepond]

You have to wonder if ole Yogi actually said all the things attributed to him. 

No matter, they were golden. A couple that I've heard he said:

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded!

Gene

[FullRangeMan]

Deleted

[thunderbrick]

MAN ON A HARLEY
 
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
 

[jhm731]

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. - However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
 
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story:- Never, Never, Never Ever Be Late

[jhm731]

[thunderbrick]

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.


Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

 

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

 

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head
out of its ass."


"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[JerryM]

 

[thunderbrick]

Men.......Reasons for Sensitivity Training
 
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.
 
* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24
and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
 
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
 
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
 
* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator
says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but
the ironing is piling up!"
 
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been
listening."
 
* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
 
* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but
our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[JoshK]

I don't get the second one.

[srb]

I don't get the second one.

The penis enlarger is a 21 year old named Kathy (not his wife).

[JoshK]

ah 

[jhm731]

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
 
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
 
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
 
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
 
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
 
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
 
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
 

[WireNut]

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
 
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"

LMAO. 

[WireNut]

The penis enlarger is a 21 year old named Kathy (not his wife).

Oh, I get it. 

[Letitroll98]

[Don_S]

You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013 – Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom!

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10.Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!

As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters ArePointed The Other Way...