Joke of the Day

BobM · « **Reply #40 on:** 6 Nov 2009, 03:30 pm »

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you ok?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman turns to him and says, "Pepper."

BobM · « **Reply #41 on:** 9 Nov 2009, 03:37 pm »

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fianc?e, Lena is still a wirgin - in every vay'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in
a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . quite an
impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they
go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to
Reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . .
'Look at dis, ......still in da CRATE!'

thunderbrick · « **Reply #42 on:** 17 Nov 2009, 06:50 pm »

Uh, is this too political? Hope not.

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a
bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you
know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

BobM · « **Reply #43 on:** 17 Nov 2009, 06:57 pm »

Also political, but in a not sectarian kind of way ...

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled."

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

chadh · « **Reply #44 on:** 30 Nov 2009, 03:39 am »

The captain of a British naval vessel stands at the bridge consulting with his junior officers when the alarm is raised from the crow's nest. A pirate ship has been spotted on the horizon, heading towards the naval vessel!

The sailors race to their battle stations, and the pirate ship approaches swiftly. Just minutes before battle, though, the captain stands tall and cries to his cabin-boy, "Bring me my red shirt."

A terrible battle ensues. Eventually the naval vessel manages to repel the attacking pirates, and leaves the pirate ship foundering in her wake.

The following day a similar scene plays out. This time, three Spanish warships are spotted on the horizon. Again the sailors spring to their battle stations. Again the captain demands his red shirt be brought forth, and again the British ship emerges victorious.

The day after the battle, one of the junior officers asks his captain, "Prior to each battle, you have called for your red shirt. Why?"

The captain explains, "When I wear the red shirt, it is impossible for anyone to tell if I am bleeding. That way, even if I am injured during battle, the men will not lose heart and will continue to fight with courage and determination."

The junior officer is impressed with the captain's courage and leadership. But he is quickly disturbed when the alarm is once again raised. This time, ten Spanish warships have been spotted on the horizon. As the sailors swing again to full alert, they hear their captain's voice rise above the clamor: "Bring me my brown trousers!"

Chad

hmen · « **Reply #45 on:** 30 Nov 2009, 04:06 am »

I don't have a joke but here's a pretty funny website:

http://failblog.org/

JerryM · « **Reply #46 on:** 30 Nov 2009, 05:43 am »

Quote from: Marbles on 21 Nov 2009, 08:36 pm

Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.

Husband: We don't have $5000 to spend on boobs right now, why don't you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 2-3 times a day.

Wife: Toilet paper? Why will that make my boobs bigger?

Husband: Beats me, but look what it has done for your a$$ over the years!!

BobM · « **Reply #47 on:** 30 Nov 2009, 02:18 pm »

This morning I received
a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if
I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about
the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.?
couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
'old magic.' I was flabbergasted.? 'I don't
know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than
when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the
energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't
mind a man wi th a waistline that's a few inches wider
these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff
sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased
me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled,? 'I've put on quite a bit of
weight myself!'

So I told her to fu*k off.

JerryM · « **Reply #48 on:** 3 Dec 2009, 02:47 pm »

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, explaining that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the crotch just as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's?it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

macrojack · « **Reply #49 on:** 11 Dec 2009, 08:01 pm »

2009's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Marbles · « **Reply #50 on:** 12 Dec 2009, 02:36 am »

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
In a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
Cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
Of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
It loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
Find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
Over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

Big Red Machine · « **Reply #51 on:** 17 Dec 2009, 06:33 pm »

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #52 on:** 30 Dec 2009, 01:32 am »

Redneck Art

Watch this video to the end, impressive.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #53 on:** 26 Jan 2010, 08:19 pm »

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, but finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

jaywills · « **Reply #54 on:** 26 Jan 2010, 08:47 pm »

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."