Joke of the Day

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Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #60 on: 28 Jan 2010, 07:06 pm »
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGo ofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.''

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #61 on: 29 Jan 2010, 06:57 pm »
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both die, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying  yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

JakeJ

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #62 on: 29 Jan 2010, 07:49 pm »
  George is a devout man and goes to church every Sunday. 

This Sunday as George is listening to the sermon by Father O’Reilly a great thunderous crack sounds and suddenly the Devil rises out of the church floor.
 
Panic ensues and all the women and children start screaming and trembling, hiding behind their men or the pews.
 
The Devil roars, “I have come to take the souls of the damned to Hell!”
 
George sit quietly and complacently with all this chaos going on around him and the Devil looks down and says, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
 
George responds politely, “No.”
 
The Devil then whips up the winds to hurricane proportions, lightening is striking all around, the thunder is deafening.  The rest of the congregation starts to run out of the church.  The Devil say to George, “Now are you frightened?”
 
Again George says, “Nope.”
 
This angers the Devil and he causes an earthquake and a great crack runs down the middle of the road out in front of the church.  People, cars, and buildings fall into the chasm.
 
George is un-phased.
 
Now the Devil is furious and begins to make fire rain out of the sky accompanied by more thunder and lightening, and he shakes the foundation of the church which comes crumbling down around the two.
 
The Devil is panting heavily from his efforts but George just sits there quietly dusting himself off.
 
The Devil screams in rage, “Aren’t you in fear for you life?!?”
 
Again George calmly responds, “No.”
 
The Devil asks, “Jesus H. Christ, man, why not?”
 
George looks the Devil right in the eye and says, “Married your sister 43 years ago.” 

doug s.

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #63 on: 29 Jan 2010, 09:13 pm »
Two Nuns are running late for Mass.  Instead of  wasting time on hailing a taxi, they decide to ride their bicycles while taking a shortcut which includes several back streets of the older part of Rome.

One nun peddles along and looks around at the unfamiliar territory,  then leans over to the other nun and says, “I’ve never come this way before”.
 
The other Nun giggles and whispers,  “I know what you mean.  It’s the cobblestones!”

doug s.

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #64 on: 30 Jan 2010, 11:44 pm »
Subject: A little girl and her dog]

 
A little girl asked her Mom, Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

 
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat".

 
"What's that mean?"asked the child.

 
"Go ask your father, I think he's in the garage."

 
The little girl goes to the garage and says,

 
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

 
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash, and only go one time round the block."

 
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.


Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

 

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

 

The little girl said,"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 


 

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #65 on: 1 Feb 2010, 02:12 pm »



Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #66 on: 3 Feb 2010, 12:51 am »
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'  '98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #67 on: 3 Feb 2010, 01:22 am »
Hollywood  Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when '  Hollywood  Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 
Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.  ;

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for tw o years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

               

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #68 on: 3 Feb 2010, 01:35 am »
On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine     man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the  medicine from working?" The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3".  Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.... because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #69 on: 3 Feb 2010, 04:32 am »
It's been a good day for email jokes, if this ones breaks any rules, please just delete it.
Len


KIDS IN CHURCH …..

3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'  One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.  'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'  'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.  'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.  The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


Scottdazzle

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #70 on: 3 Feb 2010, 03:23 pm »
Hollywood  Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when '  Hollywood  Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 
Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.  ;

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for tw o years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

             

Thanks for the ride in the time machine, Len!  I can just see their faces when they said those lines. Paul Lynde was wicked funny on that show.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #71 on: 4 Feb 2010, 02:15 am »
Thanks for the ride in the time machine, Len!  I can just see their faces when they said those lines. Paul Lynde was wicked funny on that show.

I agree.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #72 on: 4 Feb 2010, 02:40 am »
Couldn't permanently fix the original post. The joke contained a picture of a kid at a kitchen bar drinking shots of milk.


A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don' want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.  If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to really live for."
« Last Edit: 4 Feb 2010, 08:44 pm by Len_Dreyer »

chadh

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #73 on: 4 Feb 2010, 03:49 am »


Hey Len!  That last one is one of those weird existentialist jokes, right?

Chad

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #74 on: 4 Feb 2010, 04:15 pm »
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances..

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
 
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
 
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
 
...And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #75 on: 5 Feb 2010, 09:01 pm »
Apple does it again:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.  The iBreast will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.  This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #76 on: 6 Feb 2010, 05:59 pm »

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #77 on: 6 Feb 2010, 06:51 pm »
As the great philosopher Bugs Bunny, used to say "What a maroon!"  ALL of 'em.     :lol:

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #78 on: 11 Feb 2010, 12:27 am »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, "Sweet  Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #79 on: 15 Feb 2010, 01:10 am »
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000. or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.00. The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would like her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you only spend $150.00."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."