[BobM]

Strange but true
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
[I'm not so sure about that. I just folded a single ply of a sheet of toilet paper 8 times, but barely.]

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man.'

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes. [presumably on each foot]

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all of the letters from the word, criminal. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

[BobM]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied.. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million
dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
 
 

[Len_Dreyer]

Brenda  and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis..

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived  at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the  table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,'  Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'   

[Len_Dreyer]

A  man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned  good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The  preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

[Len_Dreyer]

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining..  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[Len_Dreyer]

 Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'  Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Len_Dreyer]

A little girl asked her mother: 'how did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made. 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused   girl returned to her mother and said,’ Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?

The mother answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about   his.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

I want to live my next life backwards!


You start out dead & get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better & better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement & collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to college: play sports, date, drink & party.

After that you're at high school, become very popular because you are so mature, are an excellent athlete after your experience in college & the first love is not your first, so you know how to handle yourself.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again; you go to elementary school, play & have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby & everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions:  central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case....

[Bob in St. Louis]

ATTORNEY: This "Myasthenia Gravis", does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________ ____
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________ ____
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________ __
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
_______________________________________ _____
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
_______________________________________ _____
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________________ _____
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________ __
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________________ _____
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

[JoshK]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND , look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Bob in St. Louis]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'   
 





 






The third piggy says -





'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[BobM]

WARNING - SEXUAL CONTENT ALERT
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's chest and I was wondering if I might see
yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .... Stick it in the camel then,and
let's get out of here!'

[ted_b]

With all this news from around the world, wow, I'm going to sit down and have a drink! 


I'm making myself a "Bin Laden".




2 shots and a splash of water. 

[werd]

With all this news from around the world, wow, I'm going to sit down and have a drink! 


I'm making myself a "Bin Laden".




2 shots and a splash of water.

lol

beat me to it.

[Rob Babcock]

Dog for Sale- Cheap


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'



The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things!

[elmalloc]

Still, he's a funny bastard of a dog!   

[bside123]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one particular racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Bolivian, a Columbian, a dude from Peru, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian all went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

[thunderbrick]

Oh, that's awful!

[MarkR7]

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. It's called Tricoxagain.   

[ted_b]

Most dangerous food:

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
 
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it... Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
 
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."