Joke of the day

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #420 on:** 17 Mar 2009, 03:14 pm »

Nookie Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

jhm731 · « **Reply #421 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 02:25 am »

My favorite Irish Joke:

Q- What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

A- One less drunk.

Happy St. Patrick's day!

BobM · « **Reply #422 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:15 pm »

A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM.
His wife says, "Answer the door!".
So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The man says, "It's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"
The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"

BobM · « **Reply #423 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:16 pm »

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"No, it isn't," giggled the driver. "I'm the designated decoy!"

BobM · « **Reply #424 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:16 pm »

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

BobM · « **Reply #425 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:19 pm »

OK, now for some post St Paddy's Day humor ...

Know Your Hangover
One-star hangover

* No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 soft drinks and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.

Two-star hangover

** No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a fresh and fruity pancake breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the Internet and writing junk e-mails.

Three-star hangover

*** Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl/guy walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/BO reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of Coke watching Good Morning Australia with crater face. You've had four cups of coffee, a jug of water, two sausage rolls and a litre of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.

Four-star hangover

**** Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth are brown, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would walk over your mother for one or all of the following:
1. The clock to strike 6pm.
2. The entire appetiser list from Smorgy's.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

Five-star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell).

***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were and what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser-star hangover that you eat a large pizza, a ham and cheese omelette and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

JakeJ · « **Reply #426 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:28 pm »

So Bob, if you go out drinking five nights in row does that constitute a fifteen star hangover?

Been there done, done that.

JoshK · « **Reply #427 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 01:33 pm »

I didn't laugh at the five stars of hangovers. I felt nautious (sic) in empathy.

BobM · « **Reply #428 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 02:55 pm »

I think there may be more than a few people nursing 4 and 5 stars this morning.

Dan Driscoll · « **Reply #429 on:** 18 Mar 2009, 04:47 pm »

Quote from: BobM on 18 Mar 2009, 02:55 pm

I think there may be more than a few people nursing 4 and 5 stars this morning.

Not me. I never go out drinking on St. Patrick's or New Years, too many amateurs.

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #430 on:** 19 Mar 2009, 12:30 am »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #431 on:** 19 Mar 2009, 04:23 pm »

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?
''1955, ma' am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room Where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, After glancing at his watch,
'I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'

(Gotta Love Military Time)

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #432 on:** 20 Mar 2009, 06:26 pm »

This is one of my all time favorites. aa
It is an adult thing, so it's not for kids. Also, not a good idea to do in a work environment when customers are around.

Write this down on a piece of paper, give it to a co-worker (or adult family member).
Next, have them read it back to you out loud:

I AM RE TODD ED..............
I AM SOFA KING, RE TODD ED.......

Bob

jhm731 · « **Reply #433 on:** 20 Mar 2009, 08:35 pm »

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #434 on:** 21 Mar 2009, 03:04 am »

I'll take a chance that this hasn't been posted in this thread, a report on Sony's latest "product":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehWFI-U9Bcw
If it has been posted - can someone tell me how to delete a post?

ted_b · « **Reply #435 on:** 21 Mar 2009, 04:23 am »

Quote from: Russell Dawkins on 21 Mar 2009, 03:04 am

I'll take a chance that this hasn't been posted in this thread, a report on Sony's latest "product":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehWFI-U9Bcw
If it has been posted - can someone tell me how to delete a post?

Yeah I posted it a page earlier (March 5th)...but it's still very funny.

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #436 on:** 21 Mar 2009, 05:08 pm »

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by my self with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #437 on:** 22 Mar 2009, 03:38 am »

check out this tube deal!
http://hardocp.com/images/news/1237476767fPYMHIsYVF_1_1_l.gif

ted_b · « **Reply #438 on:** 22 Mar 2009, 03:45 am »

Quote from: Russell Dawkins on 22 Mar 2009, 03:38 am

check out this tube deal!
http://hardocp.com/images/news/1237476767fPYMHIsYVF_1_1_l.gif

http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=66167.0

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #439 on:** 24 Mar 2009, 04:05 pm »

The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'