Joke of the day

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honesthoff

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #400 on: 5 Mar 2009, 05:40 am »
A Favorite Redd Foxx joke of mine:

I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with!

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #401 on: 5 Mar 2009, 03:58 pm »
Not really jokes, but interesting none the less.
Some seem a little far fetched for me to believe... :scratch:

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs an d both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'   (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

*******
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*******

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*******

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

*******

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

*******

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.'  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

*******
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

*******

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your'P's and Q's '

*******
One more and betting you didn't know this!


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?  The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey.  Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)


 

BobM

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #402 on: 5 Mar 2009, 04:13 pm »
Two words - urban legend - hence the term "URLEG" meaning we're "pulling URLEG"  :lol:

Bob

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #403 on: 5 Mar 2009, 04:19 pm »
 :notworthy: :rotflmao: :jester: Very funny Bob!

Russell Dawkins

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #404 on: 5 Mar 2009, 05:20 pm »
Speaking of obscure origins of phrases, I'll bet you didn't know this.

Alexander the Great was quite the innovator and tactician. He was the first to recognize the advantage to his troops of having some means of synchronizing their actions through their possessing some sort of time reference. Wristwatches had not yet been invented, so he set his mind to the task and came up with a primitive but effective way of marking time. He had noticed that when a blood stain on white  cloth dried it became gradually blacker at a predictable rate. He arranged to have a large number of white wrist bands made of cotton that his men could wear in battle. To "synchronize watches", all the wrist bands would be stained with a small quantity of blood at the same time, then a colour key would be used to identify a specific time for rendezvous, etc.

This was so successful that it eventually became known as Alexander's rag time band.

edited to add link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyBEzXKNPDc
« Last Edit: 6 Mar 2009, 06:28 am by Russell Dawkins »

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #405 on: 5 Mar 2009, 05:35 pm »
But who volunteered to donate that much blood?  :o :lol:

JeffBrown

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #406 on: 5 Mar 2009, 06:49 pm »
Hopefully you had a captured combatant currently being um… interrogated (tortured) that could um… volunteer to donate (die), or the youngest and or poorest soldier would do just fine!

CSI

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #407 on: 5 Mar 2009, 07:12 pm »
Not really jokes, but interesting none the less.
Some seem a little far fetched for me to believe... :scratch:

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs an d both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'   (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

*******
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*******

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*******

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

*******

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

*******

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.'  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

*******
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

*******

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your'P's and Q's '

*******
One more and betting you didn't know this!


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?  The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey.  Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)


 


I'd say most, if not all, of these are Urban (or Seagoing) Legends. Certainly the last one is. In the age of sail, shot wasn't stored on deck (too little space, too likely to roll around) but below on the gun deck in wooden racks or "garlands". Well run fighting ships drilled often (depending on the captain - if he was a good fighter and wealthy they drilled more often since the amount of shot issued was limited and he had to pay for the overage out of his own pocket). As a result, sailors could replenish shot, load and fire guns quickly and do it with good accuracy. This became much more important after Nelson racked up victories by breaking with the tradition of "standing and fighting" to break through battle lines and encouraging his captains to improvise and do what ever it took to win in the heat of battle. It was the superior ability of the British gun crews (along with generally higher morale after the reforms brought about after a few notable mutinies) that accounted for the British success in battles during the Napoleonic wars where they were often badly outnumbered.

So no brass monkeys. But the boys who ran for ammunition during battle were called powder monkeys.....
« Last Edit: 5 Mar 2009, 09:00 pm by CSI »

nathanm

Re: fixed plural apostrophe
« Reply #408 on: 5 Mar 2009, 09:38 pm »
Thank you!

mightym

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #409 on: 5 Mar 2009, 10:42 pm »
To continue with the Nautical Theme:

During the time of the great sailing ships, the most common fertilizer was dehydrated manure, if you have ever gardened you know that this stuff is NOT smelly, and very light weight given the cubic volume it displaces.

 the problems arose when it was stored low in a ships hold and wet down with bilgewater, the manure would then start to compost, and generate heat and stench.

The bales that were shipped after the cause was determined were then labeled 
Ship High In Transit.

Put the capitals together and you know the origins of yet another modern slang term...

John

ted_b

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #410 on: 5 Mar 2009, 11:23 pm »
We need to start a new thread called "bad urban legends and other poorly made up lies".  I feel like Cliffy from Cheers has infiltrated our Circle. 

The word "sh$t" derived from German long ago...and yes, it was for waste or dung.  In fact, most swear words weren't English in origin (very little was).

Let's get back to jokes.   :D  Although a double post of sorts, this made me laugh like I haven't laughed in a long time.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of

cliffy

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #411 on: 6 Mar 2009, 12:05 am »
I have been reading the thread with much interest and can vouch for the veracity of all etymological references aa

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #412 on: 7 Mar 2009, 07:32 pm »
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30,  a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade,  especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and  35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece,  gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to  visit.
 
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great  Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
 
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
 
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an  adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

JoshK

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #413 on: 7 Mar 2009, 07:37 pm »
Woman under 18 is like Iraq....go there at your own risk. 

mmurt

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #414 on: 9 Mar 2009, 08:26 pm »
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Man between 1 and 80 is like Iran.

Ruled by Nuts

ted_b

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #415 on: 13 Mar 2009, 05:44 pm »
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
     formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some
      construction workers that will make you believe
     that we all can make a difference when we give
     a child the gift of our time  and conversation.

     A young family moved into a house, next to a
     vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began
     to build a house on the empty lot. The young
      family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
      interest in the goings-on and spent much of
     each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them
      'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her
     as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
     her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
     little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
      important. At the end of the first week, they even
      presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
      dollars. The little girl took this home to her
     mother who suggested that she take her ten
     dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next
     day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the
     teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl
     how she had come by her very own pay check at
     such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
     'I worked last week with a real construction crew
      building the new house next door to us.'

    'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will
     you be working on the house again this week, too?'
 
   The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at   
   Home Depot ever deliver the f____'n sheet rock.'

   

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #416 on: 14 Mar 2009, 03:17 pm »
    AAADD
    KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

    Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
    Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back
    on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think,
    since I'm going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks,
    but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
    so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The Pepsi is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eye--they need water.

    I put the Pepsi on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I've been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I'll be looking for the remote,
    but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
    but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the car isn't washed
    the bills aren't paid
    there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
    the flowers don't have enough water,
    there is still only 1 check in my check book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
    and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I'll try to get some help for it,
    but first I'll check my e-mail....

    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #417 on: 15 Mar 2009, 05:12 pm »
Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. 

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. 

An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'  'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?   
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'  'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' 

Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' 
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'  'No,' said himself, 'but I'm  getting closer all the time.' 

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?     
A. A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.   
Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time? 
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'  'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!' 

Bob in St. Louis

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #418 on: 16 Mar 2009, 06:16 pm »
EDIT: Whoops....That's not a joke, that's a YouTube video. I'll put it over there.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #419 on: 17 Mar 2009, 12:14 am »
THREE LADIES IN A SAUNA


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.  THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WI LL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!