Joke of the Day

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jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3300 on: 24 Apr 2024, 01:40 am »
If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme.

But read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Letitroll98

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3301 on: 24 Apr 2024, 03:11 pm »
I accidentally sprayed myself in the mouth with Axe body spray.

Now I talk with an Axe scent.

avta

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3302 on: 24 Apr 2024, 03:33 pm »
These two older gentlemen were discussing their sex lives. One asked " how often do you think a man should have sex? " The other responded " infrequently ".   The other " Is that two words or one? "

mix4fix

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3303 on: 24 Apr 2024, 06:30 pm »
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Tyson

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3304 on: 24 Apr 2024, 10:28 pm »
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Sex.

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3305 on: 4 May 2024, 03:44 am »
I've been off work all week because my pet cow is sick.

My boss thinks I'm milking it.

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3306 on: 15 May 2024, 06:50 pm »
Just Blocked someone for correcting my grammar

 ...and it feeled grate.

qdrone

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3307 on: 16 May 2024, 03:29 am »
Q). Ladies,if you get Bob out of Robert and Jim out of James, how do you get Dick out of Richard?
A). Ask him nicely.

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3308 on: 25 May 2024, 08:44 pm »
So, Little Sally comes home from first-grade and eventually tells her Mom "Kenny showed me his weenie today."

Mom flips out a bit and says "Oh my god, what?!"

Little Sally says "It reminded me of a peanut."

Mom says "Oh, it was small?"

Little Sally responds "No; it was salty."

pansixt

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3309 on: 25 May 2024, 10:51 pm »
I posted this years ago. But it is just as funny now.

The Pastors Ass.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the ad lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer

pansixt

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3310 on: 25 May 2024, 11:35 pm »


.

pansixt

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3311 on: 25 May 2024, 11:39 pm »



jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3312 on: 2 Jun 2024, 02:15 am »
My neighbors loved the music I was blasting last night so much ...

... that they threw a brick through my window so they could hear it better!

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3313 on: 1 Oct 2024, 04:36 pm »
What was it that Spock found in the command bridge washroom?

The Captain's log.

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3314 on: 2 Oct 2024, 05:06 pm »
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
Hand me the pliers

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3315 on: 4 Oct 2024, 12:33 am »
Deja Poo:

The feeling of having heard this crap before.

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3316 on: 5 Oct 2024, 03:24 am »
Not to brag, but I was born sychic.

For example, right now I know you’re thinking “it’s ‘psychic’, you idiot!"

Zuman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3317 on: 5 Oct 2024, 03:50 pm »
Q. Where to you go to weigh a pie?
A. Somewhere over the rainbow (...weigh a pie)!

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3318 on: 6 Oct 2024, 04:58 pm »
I was out hiking and I met up with a mountain lion.

Made me puma pants!

jschwenker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3319 on: 7 Oct 2024, 02:52 pm »
I yelled “cow!” to a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off.

Then she ran her bike right into the cow.