Joke of the Day

JoshK · « **Reply #1762 on:** 28 Sep 2016, 01:49 pm »

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1763 on:** 28 Sep 2016, 05:51 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1764 on:** 29 Sep 2016, 12:59 pm »

JoshK · « **Reply #1765 on:** 29 Sep 2016, 01:20 pm »

I don't

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1766 on:** 29 Sep 2016, 01:23 pm »

HINT: There's a storm coming.

JoshK · « **Reply #1767 on:** 29 Sep 2016, 07:35 pm »

The movie twister?

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1768 on:** 29 Sep 2016, 08:36 pm »

Yes!

JerryM · « **Reply #1769 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 01:59 am »

At a Senior's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding smoothly on the current when they came upon a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me, but now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid, and I thought the choices were "fuck" or "drown".

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1770 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 02:38 am »

JerryM · « **Reply #1771 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 04:14 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 30 Sep 2016, 02:38 am

I can only see the dreaded little 'x within box'. No worky, or is it just me?

JakeJ · « **Reply #1772 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 04:58 am »

Me too.

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #1773 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 10:22 am »

Oh no, you mean you guys can't see it. Why it's the most hilarious joke of the 21st century. Can't believe you're missing out, words simply can't describe it.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1774 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 12:12 pm »

Sorry.

JoshK · « **Reply #1775 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 07:47 pm »

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."
"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."
"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."
The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."
"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.
"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.
"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1776 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 08:01 pm »

Oh that's bad.

JerryM · « **Reply #1777 on:** 30 Sep 2016, 11:44 pm »

JoshK · « **Reply #1778 on:** 1 Oct 2016, 04:50 pm »

yep, that is how I feel about selfies.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1779 on:** 5 Oct 2016, 11:24 pm »

Three (3) patients limp into three different doctors with the same complaint. They all have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.

Patient #1:
Is examined within the hour. Is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week at a total cost for the operation of $2,400.00

Patient #2:
Goes to the ER, is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week. Gets NO bill for Copay or deductible, in fact gets no bill at all. Total cost for this patient is $0.00

Patient #3:
See's the family doctor after already have waiting 3 weeks for the appointment. Then has to wait another 8 weeks to see a specialist. Get's an x-ray, which isn't read until the following week, and finally, is scheduled for surgery 6 months down the road, of course pending the review board's concern of his age and his value to society. Receives bill for the deductible which is $7,500.00, and has a copay of 20% which totals $6,000.00, or a total cost of $13,500.00.

Why the different treatments for the 3 patients ?

Patient #1 was a Golden Retriever taken to a Vet.

Patient #2 was an Illegal Alien

Patient #3 was a Senior Citizen on Obama Care.

Looks like we'll all have to find a good Vet.