[jaywills]

Best headline of the day (Salon Mag):

"Release the Chakra!"

[ted_b]

Supposedly a true story, but whatever...it made me laugh:

United Airlines Agent at Gate 14 in the Denver Airport.  I wish I had the
guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. Or all of you out
there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
 
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed
his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
 
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
 
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14".
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F* ** You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line
for that, too."

[jtwrace]

That's great!

I would like to know if it's really true and if so, meet her.   

[Don_S]

That's great!

I would like to know if it's really true and if so, meet her.   

"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too." 

[Len_Dreyer]

A man in a Florida  supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence,  he  turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[mightym]

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall...
 
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
 
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
 
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
 
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

[mightym]

And we think we have had a bad day,  enjoy! 
 


A  little guy is sitting at the bar staring
at his drink when a large,  threateningly
leering biker steps up next to him, grabs
his drink and  gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha' gonna do  about it?" he says
menacingly, as the little guy bursts into  tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I  didn't
think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a
man  crying."

"This is the worst day of my life,"  says
the little guy.

"I`m a complete failure. I  was late to a
meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went
to the parking  lot, I found my car stolen
and I don't have any insurance, I left my  wallet
in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed
with the gardener  and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this  bar to work up the
courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I  drop a capsule in, and
sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then a  wise-ass like you shows up and
drinks the whole thing!"

[Len_Dreyer]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

_______________________________________ ___________________________________
           
My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"
_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

_______________________________________ ___________________________________

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

[Len_Dreyer]

A babyboomer's delight:

Tom Rush - Remember Song

[charmerci]

Paul entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a  beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and Bob’s bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...
             
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[craig223]

HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

 ______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

 ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 ________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

 ________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[charmerci]

This is my kind of joke - ymmv!

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear.

They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course: the Czech is in the male."

[Len_Dreyer]

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.  He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
 
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
 
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
 
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
 
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
 
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"  I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
 
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
 
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
 
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
 
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"  All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
 
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother  explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
 
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
 
He offered these kind words, "It's OK.  My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
 
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
 
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
 
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[Len_Dreyer]

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[BobM]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

[BobM]

Those damn Chinese are to blame for all of this ...

Chinese year 2007: Year of the Chicken
Actual: Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

Chinese year 2008: Year of the Horse
Actual: Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

Chinese year 2009: Year of the Pig
Actual: Swine Flu Pandemic kills thousands of pigs and a few people around the globe.

It gets worse...

This year - Chinese year 2010: Year of the Cock
What might possibly go wrong?

[BobM]

Poetry time ...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm really plastered,
This little piggy went to market...

Haiku 1

Haikus are easy
But sometimes, they don't make sense
Refrigerator.

Haiku 2

Writing short poems
with seventeen syllables
is very diffi

[srb]

BobM,
 
March 08, 2010 by pecker
 
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg747215#msg747215
 
Steve

[mikeeastman]

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!   What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"


"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona!" 
 

[srb]

Mike,
 
March 26, 2010 by Len_Dreyer
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg755809#msg755809
 
Here's an idea to see if a joke has been previously posted before posting:
 
1.  Click the Print link at the top right of the page (this will generate a text view of the entire thread across all pages)
 
2.  Use the browser's search or find function to search for a key phrase
 
Steve