Joke of the Day

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #200 on:** 24 Apr 2010, 06:18 pm »

The son seeing his mother wearing an expensive brand new ming fur coat say:
=Mother was the father who gave you this coat?
=Of course not! If I'm gonna wait for your father I would nor have you!!

Moral of the story: the female behavior always sabotages men...

Ruby Mae · « **Reply #201 on:** 28 Apr 2010, 02:02 am »

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the giftI bought you last Year!"

And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in Bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started...

I took my wifeto a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight Started...

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #202 on:** 29 Apr 2010, 11:00 pm »

On the road again, it's snowing now in Bozeman, MT. Here's some priceless guotes.

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'"
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP."
- Joe Namath

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- W. C. Fields

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #203 on:** 29 Apr 2010, 11:44 pm »

Senior Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."

Ruby Mae · « **Reply #204 on:** 6 May 2010, 08:34 pm »

THREE WOMEN - TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BUTT.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

mightym · « **Reply #205 on:** 6 May 2010, 11:02 pm »

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night.............. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee..

Ruby Mae · « **Reply #206 on:** 7 May 2010, 02:06 am »

pretty fuuny MM

dburna · « **Reply #207 on:** 8 May 2010, 01:01 am »

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

werd · « **Reply #208 on:** 8 May 2010, 08:02 am »

Dr. Fistinher........Gynecologist extraodinaire !!!!!

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #209 on:** 22 May 2010, 01:50 am »

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Fred.. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Fred, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #210 on:** 22 May 2010, 01:57 am »

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

jtwrace · « **Reply #211 on:** 24 May 2010, 12:45 am »

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

srb · « **Reply #212 on:** 24 May 2010, 01:00 am »

Previously posted by Len_Dryer - Reply #83

http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg741200#msg741200

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #213 on:** 25 May 2010, 02:08 am »

Old Guys

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

mightym · « **Reply #214 on:** 25 May 2010, 02:22 am »

Two " Mature " women are talking,

The first says: " What do you find to be the most effective birth-control method for the over 50 woman?"

The second replies: " nudity "

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #215 on:** 26 May 2010, 10:56 pm »

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"

(If considered too political, please delete.)

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #216 on:** 10 Jun 2010, 03:26 pm »

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope..

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, '..but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you?'

He said, '....Screw him ...give him a dollar.'

She then blushed and added, '....But the breakfast was my idea!'

Len_Dreyer · « **Reply #217 on:** 10 Jun 2010, 03:31 pm »

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis, you should see the back of mine!'

Daedalus Audio · « **Reply #218 on:** 10 Jun 2010, 04:24 pm »

THANK YOU ALL!!! was a bit grumpy then I noticed this post, laughing out loud.... great jokes. a good start to the day. thanks! lou

mfsoa · « **Reply #219 on:** 10 Jun 2010, 04:47 pm »

Husband: "Would you still love me if I lost all of my money?"

Wife: "Yes, but I'd miss you terribly"