[Bemopti123]

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
 
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[mightym]

I hope I don't break any rules but these cartoons are right on the money for those of us in the Blizzard of '11.....

I've got a bad case of cabin fever too.....










John

[thunderbrick]

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home, ....like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."
 
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
 
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth.  Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"
 
The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound."
 
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.  "What happened?  He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"
 
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
 
"We had him circumcised!"

[JerryM]

 

[thunderbrick]

God Loves Drunk People Too
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
 
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
 
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed.
 
"Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers .
 
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I  did not, it's 3:00 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
 
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. "God loves drunk people too you know."
 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
 
He calls out into the dark,  "Hello, are you still there?"
 
"Yes," comes back the answer.
 
"Do you still need a push?" calls  out the husband.
 
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
 
"Where are you?" asks the  husband.
 
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk........
 

[Russell Dawkins]

Have you seen these?

Please note; the origins of these is obscure - it may not be the Washington-Post, but this is how I got it by email.


The Washington Post once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
Here are the winners:
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.
 
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.
 
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
 
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
 
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj.. Impotent.
 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
 
14. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

(the last attributed to George Carlin, RIP)
 

[chrisby]

Russell - loved the first group

[ted_b]

[schw06]

A pirate walks in to a bar and ther bartender says "I haven't seen you in years...you look terrible!" The Pirate repiles "I feel great, what do you mean?" The bartender says "Since I saw you last you have a wooden leg...what happened?" The pirate explains "While in battle I had my leg blown off by a cannonball. But now I have this wooden leg and I feel great." The bartender retorts "yeah, well youhave a hook for a hand, what about that?" The pirate explains "While marauding a ship i got into a sword fight and my hand was lopped off with a sword. But, I have this hook now and it everything is fine." The bartender then asks "What happened to your eye, you've got a patch over your eye as well?" The pirate quips "While boarding a ship, I looked up to the sky and a bird pooped into my eye". The bartender says "Nobody loses their eye from bird poop!" The pirate explains " Yeah, but it was my first day with the hook."

[sebrof]

Here's one that might be good for the kids;

A turtle calls 911 to report a crime. The cops get there and ask him what happened.
Turtle: I was robbed
Cops: Did you get a good look at 'em?
Turtle: Yeah, it was a gang of snails
Cops: Snails?? OK, what can you tell me about what happened?
Turtle, looking confused: I don't know, it all happened so fast...

[thunderbrick]

JOKE OF THE YEAR


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[bside123]

Here's one that might be good for the kids;

A turtle calls 911 to report a crime. The cops get there and ask him what happened.
Turtle: I was robbed
Cops: Did you get a good look at 'em?
Turtle: Yeah, it was a gang of snails
Cops: Snails?? OK, what can you tell me about what happened?
Turtle, looking confused: I don't know, it all happened so fast...

So as long as we're talkin' 'bout snails...

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve snails here. He picks up the snail and tosses it out the window! About a year later that same snail crawls back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, what was that all about!?"

[pumpkinman]

[ted_b]

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

[martyo]

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

 

[doug s.]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little elderly Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
 
The Taliban asked, "Do you have any water?"     
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."   
 
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" 
   
"OK," said the elderly man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
 
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.   
   
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,   
"Your f****ing brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
----------------------------------------------------------

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.  Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.   Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.   
 
The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?'  Jimbo says.  'What's that?'
 
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example.  Do you own a weed eater?'
 
'Yeah.'   
 
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
 
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
 
'I'm not done,' the dean says.  'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
 
'Yes, I do have a house.'
 
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
 
'Yes, I have a family.'
 
'I'm not done yet.  Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.   And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
 
'I am a heterosexual.   That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
 
Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.  He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?'  Bubba says, 'What's that?'
 
Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example.  Do you have a weed eater?'
   
'No.'
 
'Then you're a queer.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two families  moved from Afghanistan to America .  When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet:  In a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they met.
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud... how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, rag-head."
------------------------------------------------

doug s.

[martyo]

Very funny Doug 

[Don_S]

I don't remember seeing this before.  If it is not new I think it is worth repeating.


Southerner's Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......   A neighborhood in  Rome 
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her
Colic...............................A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................. To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent........................Disting uished, well known
Labour Pain.................  Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff...............   A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............   A letter carrier
Recovery Room..........   Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................   Roman emperor
Tablet...........................   A small table
Terminal Illness..........    Getting sick at the airport
Tumor...........................  One plus one more
Urine.............................  Opposite of you're out
 

[mightym]

A TRIP TO COSTCO
 
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an elephant?  On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet.  The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a beautiful golden retriever's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 


 
 

[ArthurDent]

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.