Joke of the Day

jhm731 · « **Reply #320 on:** 29 Oct 2010, 11:35 pm »

A real ghost story-

Harry was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy Halloween night. The night was getting darker and the rain came harder, and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly Harry saw a car come toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, Harry got in the car and closed the door. Just as he realized there was nobody behind the wheel, the car started to move. As his panic set in, he looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared beyond belief, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just when the car got to the curve, and Harry thought it was all over, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

Harry was paralyzed in terror as he watched the hand appear every time the car got to a curve.

Gathering strength, Harry jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a bar and asked for two shots of rye. He started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. The crowd sat in an eerie silence when they realized that Harry was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar. One said to the other, "Look Pete, there's that jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."

ted_b · « **Reply #321 on:** 29 Oct 2010, 11:55 pm »

Page 5...ok, Irish variation...we'll let you go this time with a warning

http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg745773#msg745773

jhm731 · « **Reply #322 on:** 30 Oct 2010, 06:40 am »

Quote from: ted_b on 29 Oct 2010, 11:55 pm

Page 5...ok, Irish variation...we'll let you go this time with a warning
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg745773#msg745773

Thanks, the guy who sent it to me is Irish. I didn't know they were into recycling.

PS- when are you going to post some pictures of your new diffuser?

bside123 · « **Reply #323 on:** 30 Oct 2010, 07:39 am »

Question: When is every American a foreigner?

Answer: When Euro-peeing.

bside123 · « **Reply #324 on:** 30 Oct 2010, 07:49 am »

Quote from: Russell Dawkins on 29 Aug 2010, 04:49 pm

A monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, says "Make me one with everything".

The monk paid for the hot dog with a $20 bill, which the vendor quickly pocketed. The monk cried out, "Hey! Where's my change?" The vendor calmly replied, "Don't you know? Change come's from within."

ted_b · « **Reply #325 on:** 30 Oct 2010, 02:21 pm »

Quote from: jhm731 on 30 Oct 2010, 06:40 am

Thanks, the guy who sent it to me is Irish. I didn't know they were into recycling.

PS- when are you going to post some pictures of your new diffuser?

As soon as they are done and installed. Should be before Thxgiving.

Here's a clean one for the kids:

Parent: Knock Knock
Child: Who's there?
Parent: Interrupting cow?
Child : Interup...
Parent (quickly): Moo!

thunderbrick · « **Reply #326 on:** 11 Jan 2011, 07:57 pm »

I just got off the phone with friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

ted_b · « **Reply #327 on:** 11 Jan 2011, 08:02 pm »

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At first you are happy with two hearts and a diamond.

Later, all you want is a frickin club and a spade!!

kenreau · « **Reply #328 on:** 13 Jan 2011, 09:50 pm »

Quote from: ted_b on 11 Jan 2011, 08:02 pm

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At first you are happy with two hearts and a diamond.

Later, all you want is a frickin club and a spade!!

Good one, Ted.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #329 on:** 14 Jan 2011, 09:47 pm »

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you....

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

mightym · « **Reply #330 on:** 14 Jan 2011, 11:50 pm »

[quote author=thunderbrick

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
[/quote]

Good one!

I havn't laughed that hard in quite a while, absolute gold!!!!

They just kept getting better as I went along.....

JerryM · « **Reply #331 on:** 15 Jan 2011, 03:31 am »

I got a new sweater today.

I was hoping more for a moaner or a screamer.

Diamond Dog · « **Reply #332 on:** 15 Jan 2011, 03:50 am »

BEST...THREAD...EVER !

JerryM · « **Reply #333 on:** 15 Jan 2011, 04:07 am »

Quote from: Diamond Dog on 15 Jan 2011, 03:50 am

BEST...THREAD...EVER !

Arguably, it might be.

When Bob in St. Louis was tending The Sports Bar, he started the Thread here.

Where's the Bar?
Jerry

Diamond Dog · « **Reply #334 on:** 15 Jan 2011, 04:48 am »

Quote from: JerryM on 15 Jan 2011, 04:07 am

Arguably, it might be.

You'll get no argument from me, sir !
Thanks for some much-needed levity after one hell of a week...

David

thunderbrick · « **Reply #335 on:** 20 Jan 2011, 03:13 pm »

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

bside123 · « **Reply #336 on:** 20 Jan 2011, 04:16 pm »

Q: How do you know if a leper has sent you a letter?
A: The tongue is still on the envelope.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #337 on:** 28 Jan 2011, 08:03 pm »

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros; he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.

Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife!”

bside123 · « **Reply #338 on:** 29 Jan 2011, 03:46 pm »

Two silk worms had a race and ended up in a tie.

rpf · « **Reply #339 on:** 29 Jan 2011, 03:55 pm »

Quote from: thunderbrick on 28 Jan 2011, 08:03 pm

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros; he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.

Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife!”