Joke of the Day

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #300 on:** 29 Aug 2010, 04:49 pm »

A monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, says "Make me one with everything".

mikeeastman · « **Reply #301 on:** 29 Aug 2010, 10:33 pm »

Subject: Fwd: A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry
to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold"'

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good", she replied. "Get your own f!#$% blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

bside123 · « **Reply #302 on:** 31 Aug 2010, 03:10 am »

Did you hear about the cannibals that went crazy at the hockey game? There was a face off in the right corner.

JerryM · « **Reply #303 on:** 31 Aug 2010, 03:15 am »

Let's not forget about the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

pumpkinman · « **Reply #304 on:** 14 Sep 2010, 02:11 am »

Since I didn't read all 16 pages I hope this is not a repeat

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
.... being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . ... even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying abouteveryone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

bside123 · « **Reply #305 on:** 14 Sep 2010, 02:47 am »

Two cannibals are eating their victim. One starts eating from the head, the other cannibal is eating from the feet. The cannibal at the head asks his eating companion at the feet, "Hey, how ya' doing down there?"

"Why I'm having a ball!" came the reply.

"Well then slow down. You're eating too fast..."

mightym · « **Reply #306 on:** 19 Sep 2010, 11:29 pm »

I'm sure that the good folks at Parts Express, will tell you with a straight face that this product is a must have, but the customer reviews are some funny reading....

Check it out here: www.parts-express.com/pe/showdetl.cfm?Partnumber=110-439

John

drphoto · « **Reply #307 on:** 19 Sep 2010, 11:48 pm »

Gotta hand to PE for allowing those to stay.

BobM · « **Reply #308 on:** 27 Sep 2010, 01:31 pm »

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

BobM · « **Reply #309 on:** 27 Sep 2010, 01:33 pm »

Drinks That Reflect Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

D rink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is , as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

bside123 · « **Reply #310 on:** 27 Sep 2010, 01:33 pm »

What's the difference between a Martian pin-up girl and a blob of jelly?

Pubic hair.

PeterCarlson · « **Reply #311 on:** 4 Oct 2010, 03:00 am »

Quote from: ted_b on 25 Oct 2009, 07:22 am

A man with Alzheimers walks into a bar, sits down next to a pretty woman and says "Do I come here often"?

bside123 · « **Reply #312 on:** 4 Oct 2010, 03:07 am »

What's the difference between a Martian baby and a used Kleenex? A used Kleenex is better behaved!

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #313 on:** 4 Oct 2010, 07:44 am »

Quote from: bside123 on 4 Oct 2010, 03:07 am

What's the difference between a Martian baby and a used Kleenex? A used Kleenex is better behaved!

BobM · « **Reply #314 on:** 7 Oct 2010, 04:56 pm »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZf7erAcuKA&feature=player_embedded

bside123 · « **Reply #315 on:** 7 Oct 2010, 05:00 pm »

How do you know if a Martian been in your house?

All of your light bulbs are missing, and there's quartz crystals on the rug.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #316 on:** 7 Oct 2010, 06:32 pm »

Quote from: BobM on 7 Oct 2010, 04:56 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZf7erAcuKA&feature=player_embedded

That is one pissed-off bride!

Big Red Machine · « **Reply #317 on:** 27 Oct 2010, 02:10 pm »

Bear encounter advice sign: Up North and Out West, People are Funny

Big Red Machine · « **Reply #318 on:** 29 Oct 2010, 02:15 pm »

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled slowly inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into uncontrollable hysterical laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

Mitsuman · « **Reply #319 on:** 29 Oct 2010, 03:52 pm »

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.

'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'