[Len_Dreyer]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
   
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
   
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
   
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
   
''Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands”.
   
''Good Heavens”, said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
   
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Len_Dreyer]

One  evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about  a battle that goes on inside people.  He  said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves  inside us all.  "One  is Evil  - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,  greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,  inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and  ego. "The  other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,  humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,  generosity, truth, compassion and faith." 

The  grandson thought about it for a minute and then  asked his grandfather: "Which wolf  wins?"

The  old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you  feed." 

[Wildcat_Fan]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .  When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."   
 

[Len_Dreyer]

An old man goes into a drugstore to buy some Viagra, 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96 years old' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[Len_Dreyer]

A man and his wife, moved back home to Kentucky, from Indiana. The husband had a wooden leg, and to get insurance on it back in Indiana it cost them $2,000 per year!

When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.  The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' 

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Kentucky to insure it because it cost him $2,000 in Indiana!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it is $39. 

[BobM]

Only in DETROIT

Another indication of our wonderful Detroit school system in action.
How would you pronounce this child's name:

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Detroit , MI . Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

[BobM]

(de) motivational car posters
http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2009/07/top-55-demotivational-car-auto-posters.html

... and now for the local news:

Only in Florida
http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/MI124318/

Ouch!
http://smallbitsandpieces.blogspot.com/2009/06/woman-shoves-handgun-up-her-ass.html

[BobM]

Great One Line Insults

"You go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel."

"Why not join the rest of the human race and evolve some intelligence?"

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"He has a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle!"

"Did they pry you out of your mama with the ugly stick? "

"If I wanted any lip from you I would scrape it off my zipper."

"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"

"You get enough exercise just pushing your luck."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"Ignorance is not bliss. Its just another form of stupidity."

"The person who told you to just be yourself, couldn't have given you worse advice."

"I'm trying to like you ... but you're winning."

"You seem to be quite an evolved individual. Just standing here looking at you sort of takes 'Intelligent Design' off the option table."

"Could you tell me again, how many times you were dropped as a baby?"

"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."

"You've got a 1-bit brain with a parity error."

"You don't just know nothing, you don't even suspect much."

"If there was a tax on brains, you'd get a rebate."

"You look as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market."

"This sucks harder than an octopus crackwhore at an undersea frat party"

[charmerci]

Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. Sure, says Farmer Jones.

Brown gathers his twelve pigs and loads them into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the rest of the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown asks, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"

"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."

The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out the window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads up the pigs and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The next several mornings, the pigs are still behaving normally, so once again he takes them to the Jones' farm. One morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. He says to his wife, "Honey, would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"

"Well," she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's honking the horn."

[charmerci]

I'm not sure if I picked these up from the previous AC joke thread....
____

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem? '

Harry answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office..

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:'9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.  The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'  The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'

Ms Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'  The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied:'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:'Pants..'

Ms. Brooks: 'What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry:'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'  The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry:'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

----

The difference between men and women...

NICKNAMES
   If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
   If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
   When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
   When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
   A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
   A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
   A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
   The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
   A woman has the last word in any argument.
   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
   A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
   A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
   Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
   Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

[BobM]

A man was checking into a hotel recently and said to the female front desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Len_Dreyer]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!,"says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.

"What part did you get"??

[thunderbrick]

Only Marylanders Would Understand....

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
       

[srb]

Mainers Would Understand Also (lobsters)....
 
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg741534#msg741534
 
Steve

[Len_Dreyer]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
 A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
 Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[ted_b]

BobM told same joke on this thread.

[Len_Dreyer]

BobM told same joke on this thread.

Ted,

I tried a search before & after posting on a few different lines & didn't get a hit, so ya can't blame a guy for trying.

Len

[srb]

BobM told same joke on this thread.

Yes, but for some reason BobM's "short" case of Budweiser only contained 18 cans.
 
Steve

[turkey]

Yes, but for some reason BobM's "short" case of Budweiser only contained 18 cans.
 
Steve

That's 6 fewer cans to choke down. Sounds like a good thing to me.

Life is too short for lousy beer.

[BobM]

Yes, but for some reason BobM's "short" case of Budweiser only contained 18 cans.
 
Steve

I think the crux of the joke is that he's drinking Budweiser, right?