[Zuman]

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

He still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the skunk that it was, in fact, possible...

[jschwenker]

A witch claimed she could turn me into a sea bird,

but I’m just not that gullible.

[jschwenker]

The funeral of the Tupperware inventor has been postponed.

They are trying to find the right lid to fit his coffin.

[jschwenker]

I finally found love.

It’s on page 326 of my dictionary - bottom right corner.

[mix4fix]

I met a girl crying outside the mall, and I asked her "what's wrong?". She said she lost $200. So, I gave her $40 from the $200 I picked up from the entrance.

When God blesses you, you must bless others.

[mix4fix]

So apparently, me putting an Alka-Seltzer in my mouth and walking into Walmart saying "the virus is mutated" is not funny.

[jschwenker]

I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

[mix4fix]

A daughter asked her father, "Why is my brother named Izzap?".

The father replied, "Well honey, it's because Izzap is backwards spelling for pizza. I love pizza.".

The daughter replied, "Thanks dad.".

The father replied, "No problem, Lana.".

[jschwenker]

My friend’s wife warned him not to steal the kitchen utensils …

But it was a whisk, he was willing to take.

[mix4fix]

Over the span of 11 years, 115 people died in weightlifting accidents in the gym. In the same 11 years, only one person died eating donuts.

Make good choices people.

[jschwenker]

A recent study found that 3 out of 4 people …

 ... make up 75 percent of the global population.

[Letitroll98]

Wadda ya call a little Irish man who lives on your porch?


Paddy O' Furniture

[Letitroll98]

A man walked into a psychiatrist's wearing nothing but cellophane wrap.


Well I can clearly see your nuts.