[jschwenker]

I frequently take my cow for a long walk through the vineyard.

Yes ... I herd it through the grapevine.

[SubRosa]

Picture this guy, sitting at home and all alone, not too smart.

He says "Seri, why do I have so much trouble with girls?"

"My name is Alexa, you moron".

[konut]

I went to a paraplegic strip club.

The place was crawling with girls.

I thought of an addition to this one.

Next door there was a quadrapaligic strip club, but I didn't go in. The place was a flop house!

[mikeeastman]

 saw a great tee shirt today it said ‘WE CAN’T SAY HO HO ANY MORE BECAUSE IT WILL INSULT YOUR MOTHER”

[jschwenker]

I accidentally took the cat’s meds last night.

Don’t ask meow.

[jschwenker]

Asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered “Yes, they’re right behind you."

[jschwenker]

My friend got stung on the forehead by a bee.

He went to the ER, his face was all swollen and bruised, he almost died!

Good thing his wife was close enough to kill the bee with her shovel.

[jschwenker]

I was in a Walmart parking lot the other day

- where a woman was walking around trying to find her car.

Every time she held her key fob up in the air, I honked my horn.

[jschwenker]

Million dollar idea!

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell ...

"It’s just my dinner!"

[jschwenker]

There exists a quantity of artificial butter flavor beyond which ...

... people begin to believe it's not butter.

This is known as the margarine of error.


[jschwenker]

You can't give away a used mattress.

But somehow, we'll pay $200 a night to sleep on one at a hotel!

[mix4fix]

You can't give away a used mattress.

But somehow, we'll pay $200 a night to sleep on one at a hotel!

More than that!

During an audio fest, I paid over $300 for a couple of the nights in weird hotel across the street from the main hotel of the audio fest.

1. No free breakfast.
2. Had to pay for parking that (and that parking was off site).
3. This room was small.
4. Only chair in the room was the computer chair at the desk (no lounge seating of any kind).

 

[jschwenker]

An ice cream truck has had an accident on my street.

The area has been coned off.

[richidoo]

During an audio fest, I paid over $300 for a couple of the nights in weird hotel across the street from the main hotel of the audio fest.

When they heard it was an audiophile shindig they doubled the prices. 

[jschwenker]

Walking around in my underwear eating Cheetos doesn't make me weird.

You folks in aisle 4 just need to stop staring.

[jschwenker]

It was a sad and disappointing day,

... when I discovered that my Universal Remote Control did not control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

[jschwenker]

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it ...

... this only applies if you can already swim without it.

[jschwenker]

I learned the average person utters 80-90 profanities a day,

approximately 5 per hour.

I also learned I’m above average.

[jschwenker]

It’s been a strange day.

First, I find a hat with money in it.

Then, I was chased by this angry guy with a guitar.

[FireGuy]