Joke of the Day

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mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2440 on: 21 Sep 2018, 03:03 am »
LOL  :lol: :lol:

Roninaudio

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2441 on: 21 Sep 2018, 03:09 pm »
+1!   LOL

dflee

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2442 on: 21 Sep 2018, 03:34 pm »
I'm 63 and got a girl with all of the above
except the divorce (but she keeps promising).
Ain't life grand.

Don

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2443 on: 27 Sep 2018, 01:58 am »

weatherman1

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2444 on: 27 Sep 2018, 07:49 pm »


 :roll:  staying with the theme.

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2445 on: 28 Sep 2018, 04:32 am »
I scored a cool job as a Bingo caller. Strictly voluntary, so I thought I could slightly bend the rules.

Anyway, halfway through calling the numbers I blasted a huge fart. My *boss* immediately came over and whispered in my ear "Don't do that again." "Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone up to your ass!"

JakeJ

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2446 on: 28 Sep 2018, 07:54 am »
Oh yes there was! :thumb: :rotflmao:

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2447 on: 5 Oct 2018, 02:14 am »
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for a second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again ". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have? "

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2448 on: 7 Oct 2018, 05:15 pm »



Goosepond

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2449 on: 7 Oct 2018, 07:54 pm »
That joke's a killer!  :thumb:

Gene

LesterSleepsIn

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2450 on: 10 Oct 2018, 07:15 pm »




JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2451 on: 11 Oct 2018, 03:00 am »
I used to work with a Chinese guy named Kim. One time at a work function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same?"

He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks; I'm his wife."

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2452 on: 12 Oct 2018, 10:57 pm »



jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2453 on: 13 Oct 2018, 12:41 am »

charmerci

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2454 on: 13 Oct 2018, 12:50 am »



Of course, we here on AC beg to differ!  :lol:

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2455 on: 13 Oct 2018, 02:33 pm »
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...

mix4fix

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2456 on: 13 Oct 2018, 04:41 pm »
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...
The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.So they stopped....

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

PDR

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2457 on: 13 Oct 2018, 07:08 pm »


WOW!.......Whats the chances of that happening in two different places!!

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2458 on: 13 Oct 2018, 07:39 pm »

FireGuy

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2459 on: 17 Oct 2018, 01:14 am »