Joke of the Day

2bigears · « **Reply #2400 on:** 21 Aug 2018, 07:45 pm »

now that's funny. Frickin lawyers ,,,,,ha.

JerryM · « **Reply #2401 on:** 24 Aug 2018, 02:34 am »

We now go to Sid for the weather; Sid?

Thanks Andy. Tonight expect scattered dark near sundown with a 100% chance of severe darkness overnight followed by partly light by sunrise. My forecast for the weekend: On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgment by close to midnight on Saturday, with an increasing chance of big regret and huge hangover by mid morning on Sunday...

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #2402 on:** 24 Aug 2018, 12:12 pm »

The original:
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
George Carlin
US comedian and actor (1937 - 2008)

Roninaudio · « **Reply #2403 on:** 24 Aug 2018, 05:16 pm »

https://www.facebook.com/bjewallace/videos/10151771000782709/

jhm731 · « **Reply #2404 on:** 31 Aug 2018, 02:47 am »

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for an answered prayer. Patty stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Harold, had
a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Harold must have experienced.

"Harold was unable to hold me or the grandkids," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed
a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Harold’s scrotum, and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Harold.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Harold is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Harold."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

JakeJ · « **Reply #2405 on:** 31 Aug 2018, 04:27 am »

Wha Ha Ha Ha Ha!! Good one, jhm731.

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #2406 on:** 31 Aug 2018, 11:59 am »

Haha haha haha haha! There's not too many that I laugh out loud at, this was one of them.

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #2407 on:** 1 Sep 2018, 01:24 pm »

mix4fix · « **Reply #2408 on:** 1 Sep 2018, 03:42 pm »

Quote from: Roninaudio on 24 Aug 2018, 05:16 pm

https://www.facebook.com/bjewallace/videos/10151771000782709/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

I got a kick out of that.

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2409 on:** 2 Sep 2018, 01:12 pm »

“You should relax less.”

ton1313 · « **Reply #2410 on:** 2 Sep 2018, 02:07 pm »

I recall my first time with a condom, I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

Goosepond · « **Reply #2411 on:** 2 Sep 2018, 02:38 pm »

Now that's f***king funny!!!!

Gene

JerryM · « **Reply #2412 on:** 2 Sep 2018, 07:31 pm »

dflee · « **Reply #2413 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 01:07 pm »

Was walking down the hall in the hospital the other day and a well dressed gentleman (suit and tie)
wearing a name tag is walking in the opposite direction. He meant well but rather than ask if he could
assist me in locating a department asks "do you know where your going".
I replied yes and I'm just waiting on my hand basket to go.
He didn't get it.

Don

macrojack · « **Reply #2414 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 01:14 pm »

Sorry, but I don't get it either.

Saturn94 · « **Reply #2415 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 01:44 pm »

Quote from: macrojack on 7 Sep 2018, 01:14 pm

Sorry, but I don't get it either.

Hell in a hand basket

Goosepond · « **Reply #2416 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 03:18 pm »

Jokes that have to be explained (I didn't get it either but I'm dumb and slow, too) aren't ...

Gene

dflee · « **Reply #2417 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 07:47 pm »

My apologies.
I will try to keep my humor (or what I think is humorous) more sophomoric.

Don

Goosepond · « **Reply #2418 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 08:14 pm »

No need to do that. Just along with the joke, explain in detail what the punchline means.

Gene

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2419 on:** 7 Sep 2018, 08:41 pm »

Quote from: Goosepond on 7 Sep 2018, 08:14 pm

No need to do that. Just along with the joke, explain in detail what the punchline means.

Gene