Joke of the Day

brooklyn · « **Reply #1720 on:** 27 Jul 2016, 04:28 am »

Air Show Disaster at West WICK'S ISLAND PARK , BELLEVILLE , ONTARIO , CANADA.
AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo
below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1721 on:** 3 Aug 2016, 11:51 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1722 on:** 4 Aug 2016, 01:56 am »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1723 on:** 4 Aug 2016, 02:43 am »

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #1724 on:** 5 Aug 2016, 10:25 pm »

"It's great to return to New Haven. My car was followed all the way here from the airport by a long line of police cars with slowly rotating lights. It was just like being an undergraduate again."

President George W. Bush
Yale Commencement, 2004

From Jead Edward Smith's Bush, a biography of George W.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1725 on:** 6 Aug 2016, 08:39 pm »

dex67 · « **Reply #1726 on:** 8 Aug 2016, 02:25 pm »

the world most useless job...

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #1727 on:** 8 Aug 2016, 08:35 pm »

“If people say the world isn’t getting better, they haven’t looked at the beer aisle recently.”

David Adeney, Mr. Money Moustache

JoshK · « **Reply #1728 on:** 10 Aug 2016, 05:20 pm »

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.
She orders the chicken and starts to eat.
Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking,
so they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over
and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt.
The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other,
"You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #1729 on:** 11 Aug 2016, 02:50 am »

Here's a joke from "A Hologram for the King" by Dave Eggers

" Okay, there was this man named Odd. John Odd. And he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife ‘the Odd couple,’ named him ‘the Odd man out’ wherever he went, all that. So he’s getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn’t want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in this unmarked grave, but every time someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, ‘Look, isn’t that Odd?’"

jhm731 · « **Reply #1730 on:** 12 Aug 2016, 07:18 pm »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1731 on:** 13 Aug 2016, 02:35 pm »

Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer

Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you've had enough excitement for one day!

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #1732 on:** 14 Aug 2016, 07:55 pm »

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The husband is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at himself. ‘You know, dear,’ he says, ‘I look in the mirror, and I see an old man. My face is all wrinkled, the hair on my head, what's left of it, is grey, I now have hair in places I don't want it, my shoulders are hunched over, my gut hangs way over my belt and my ass has fallen and is now broad enough to hang a license plate on'. He turns to his wife and says, ‘Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.’ She studies him hard for a moment, thinking about it, and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, ‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight'.

elasticnorseman · « **Reply #1733 on:** 16 Aug 2016, 02:39 am »

A cop pulled me over and said, "Your eyes are red, Have you been drinking?"

I replied, "Your eyes look glazed, Have you been eating doughnuts?"

We laughed and we laughed.

I need bail money.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1734 on:** 16 Aug 2016, 08:40 pm »

Septic truck explodes.

https://youtu.be/25Xkk__lnCI

mightym · « **Reply #1735 on:** 18 Aug 2016, 09:11 am »

Was in the store today looking at diamonds just because. Saw this super nice car pull up. Think it was a Bentley. This uppity lady walks in and starts walking towards me. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like this.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may I help you?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1736 on:** 18 Aug 2016, 12:04 pm »

Quote from: mightym on 18 Aug 2016, 09:11 am

Was in the store today looking at diamonds just because. Saw this super nice car pull up. Think it was a Bentley. This uppity lady walks in and starts walking towards me. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like this.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may I help you?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1737 on:** 18 Aug 2016, 06:32 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1738 on:** 18 Aug 2016, 07:31 pm »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1739 on:** 18 Aug 2016, 08:02 pm »