[Guy 13]

That good one was already posted.
Thanks anyway.

Guy 13

[charmerci]

A guy sitting in the park is surprised to see a skeleton walking towards him. He sits down next to him and says, "I'm so sad." Nervously, the guy asks, "why?"

"Because I ain't got no body."

[Bob in St. Louis]

That good one was already posted.
Thanks anyway.

Some of us have memories that aren't as good as others, and we're certainly not going back through 50+ pages to make sure the joke is "new".
Besides, the best thing about having a bad memory is that you get to hear the same joke be "new" more than once. 

[srb]

Some of us have memories that aren't as good as others, and we're certainly not going back through 50+ pages to make sure the joke is "new".

If the joke is just a graphic, well then yes, it's too much to even consider.  But if the joke is text, a search takes 15 seconds.

Steve

[Bob in St. Louis]

A guy walks into a lumber yard and says "I want to order a bunch of four by twices"
The guy behind the counter says "Four by twices? Do you mean 2x4s?"
"Yeah yeah yeah. 2x4s. I want 2x4s."
"How long do you want them?" the counter guy asks.
"Oh, I want them a long time. I'm building a house."

[thunderbrick]

 

[jopagi]

I can't remember where I first heard this one:


I was filling out a questionnaire the other day, and one of the questions was
Sex:  M or F?

I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone when I do it, so I had to put down 'M'

[I.Greyhound Fan]

What did the Greatful Dead fans say when they ran out of dope?



What is that awful music!

[avta]

Have you heard the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[JerryM]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[aragon63]

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

[srb]

 

[jhm731]

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.So they stopped....

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[jhm731]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was orking on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when
I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
 
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"try doing it with the engine running!"

[jhm731]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated".

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried.

[decal]

^^^^^^^ Little Johnny is a bad MF !!!!!!! ^^^^^^^

[Bob in St. Louis]

Later in life, he grew up, moved to Australia to be an audiophile and start an audio forum.   

[blocks]

Kleptocrats never get my puns, they take things too literally.

[aragon63]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[brooklyn]