[Bob in St. Louis]

It's gonna' be great 

Amen Brother........"Pew pew"   

[thunderbrick]

[JerryM]

Two old guys are hanging out and one says "Yeah, the wife and I went to that new restaurant down by the waterfront last night. It was awesome."

His buddy says "Really? What's it called?"

The guy looks obviously puzzled. Looking down and scratching his chin, he says "Crap... What's the name of the flower that guys like to give to girls - it's red and has thorns?"

"A rose?"

The guy  smiles and says "Yes!", then looking over his shoulder he yells "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night??"

[Bob in St. Louis]

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Male lizard holding up his girlfriend so she can take a nap.

But it's possible he's just trying to slip it in while she sleeps.

[thunderbrick]

 Jewish Sex

No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm.  Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

[Letitroll98]

The Difference Between Men And Women.

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


(by Dave Barry in his 'Complete Guide to Guys')

[JerryM]

Holy cow (horse?) that's a long joke! 

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But it takes twenty visits.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A testimony to true friendship is... 
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. 
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?" 
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[JakeJ]

          

[thunderbrick]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became awareof Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. 
How soon can I go home?'

[decal]

^^^^^^^^^^    ^^^^^^^^^^

[Bob in St. Louis]

> Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
>
> When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear.
>
> Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
>
> Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
>
> Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
>
> Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did.
>
> Sue said,'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250.'
>
> Jim confirmed that he is very interested.
>
> Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>
> When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom,and Sue gave him a flipping great time. Jim quickly dressed and left.
>
> As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife:'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
>
> With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you $250?
>
> Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'
>
> Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'
>
> Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.  I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.  I'll see you back in court Monday."
 
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
 
"Well, your honor, I persuaded seventeen people to give up drugs forever."
 
"Seventeen people?  That's wonderful!  How did you do it?"
 
"I used a diagram, your honor.  I drew two circles like this:  O o. 
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
 
"That's admirable," says the judge.  Then he turns to the second guy and asks, "And how did you do?"
 
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
 
"Wow!" says the judge.  "156 people!  How did you manage to do that?"
 
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.  "I drew two circles like this:  o O. 
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butthole before prison...”

[JakeJ]

Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Way too funny, Bob!  I'll be tellin' that one at work tonight.

[Bob in St. Louis]

I can visualize your use of hand gestures.....

[thunderbrick]

Telling a woman to calm down works as well as trying to baptize a cat………..

[JakeJ]

I can visualize your use of hand gestures.....

Actually I used pen and paper to get the full effect.

[Bob in St. Louis]

AAhhhh....proof that you have more class than I do. 

[THROWBACK]

Thunderbrick, letitroll, Bob--great stuff! Thanks for letting me start off my day with a series of giggles.