[JerryM]

 

[SoCalWJS]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.

 

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Oh....that's nasty.   

[Guy 13]

Security ! What's security ?

[Guy 13]

 Security ! Don't know what that is ? ? ?

[thunderbrick]

[JohnR]

I don't know where the expression originated or where it's in common use, but in my youth that was called "driving the porcelain bus."

[decal]

So, you think you've got problems ?

[Russell Dawkins]

I don't know where the expression originated or where it's in common use, but in my youth that was called "driving the porcelain bus."

And in my youth what you did into it was called a technicolor yawn.

[Bob in St. Louis]

And in my youth what you did into it was called a technicolor yawn.

That's funny. A new one on me.

I've heard the porcelain bus line as well. That one is timeless.
Since puking is also called "Ralphing", I've heard it called "Driving Ralph on the porcelain bus". 

[jhm731]

I will consider those today's jokes as my birthday gift.

Happy Birthday.

[I.Greyhound Fan]

A husband and wife were watching a TV show on psychology.  On the show they were talking about mixed emotions.  After a while the husband turns to his wife and says "I bet that there is nothing that you can say that will make me happy and sad at the same time".  His wife pauses for a moment, turns to look at him and says "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis". 

[Douger]

A man gets a text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have
been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[mikeeastman]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a asshole ..."

[decal]

Are you still good at math?

Here's a Math trick you might not have heard of before.
 
How to change a number 1 to a number 2.....

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[thunderbrick]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

[martyo]

 

[bside123]

An old man and an elderly woman, both strangers to each other, happened to meet one night in a bar. Neither of them had ever done anything like this before, but in order to console each other's loneliness, they went home together. After they had finished their encounter and were both lying quietly in bed contemplating what had just happened, the old man thought to himself, "Wow, had I known she was still a virgin, I might have been a bit more gentle and gone a little easier on her." Whereas the elderly woman mused, "If I had only known that the old geezer could still get-it-up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" 

[Guy 13]

Lost !
Seen for the last time during a wash.
I miss you.