Joke of the Day

jhm731 · « **Reply #480 on:** 26 Jan 2013, 07:38 pm »

RUGGED OUTDOOR MAN

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about how much
physical activity he got.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".

thunderbrick · « **Reply #481 on:** 30 Jan 2013, 09:52 pm »

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have
a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load
your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They
have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

decal · « **Reply #482 on:** 30 Jan 2013, 10:29 pm »

Tell the truth, you were lying in the road licking your privates and a car ran over you !!!!

I love that one, an oldie but goldie as they say.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #483 on:** 30 Jan 2013, 10:48 pm »

Yeah, but it's an inspiring story.

I love to jerk* people around just for the hallibut. Hope I can do as well one day!

* BobinStLouis, don't go there! You know damned well that what goes on at GAS get-togethers, STAYS at the GTGs!

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #484 on:** 31 Jan 2013, 06:12 am »

The one posted a couple of months ago said he stepped off the curb to smell a really cute golden retriever's butt.

Funny, I just told this joke today way before reading your post.

jhm731 · « **Reply #485 on:** 31 Jan 2013, 07:30 am »

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked “What’s wrong?”

The old man replied “I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me oral sex two times a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner.”

The young man had a strange look on his face and asked “What’s so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life.”

The old man replied “I can’t remember where I live!”

thunderbrick · « **Reply #486 on:** 31 Jan 2013, 12:06 pm »

underdawg · « **Reply #487 on:** 31 Jan 2013, 01:35 pm »

brilliant

decal · « **Reply #488 on:** 31 Jan 2013, 01:58 pm »

decal · « **Reply #489 on:** 4 Feb 2013, 11:31 pm »

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba,

pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

JerryM · « **Reply #490 on:** 4 Feb 2013, 11:34 pm »

decal · « **Reply #491 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 02:07 am »

DUMB CROOK NEWS

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's heads.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

geezer · « **Reply #492 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 02:22 am »

Can't be. No one can be so dumb.

underdawg · « **Reply #493 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 02:26 am »

unbelievable

thunderbrick · « **Reply #494 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:48 am »

Quote from: geezer on 6 Feb 2013, 02:22 am

Can't be. No one can be so dumb.

Don't be so sure. You ever worked retail?

decal · « **Reply #495 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:34 pm »

Not a joke, but still funny.

Parental advisory, as seen on the Bassocontinuo website............

underdawg · « **Reply #496 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:47 pm »

I agree odd sign , did you see it in a sears or something?

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #497 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:48 pm »

Decal´s Readers Diguest

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #498 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:50 pm »

Quote from: decal on 6 Feb 2013, 02:07 am

DUMB CROOK NEWS

True story, a guy I know had been incarcerated for a non related incident. His cell mate was incarcerated for burglary. The cell mate had ingeniously figured out how to bypass the security system and enter an appliance store after hours, he made off with quite a haul, returning for several trips to get more merchandise. When the police arrived the next morning they went directly to his mother's home and immediately found all of the stuff in the shed out back. Brilliant detective work? No, they followed his tracks in the snow.

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #499 on:** 6 Feb 2013, 03:53 pm »

Quote from: decal on 6 Feb 2013, 03:34 pm

Not a joke, but still funny.

Parental advisory, as seen on the Bassocontinuo website............

Disguised porn is revolting, most children see it everyday.