Joke of the Day

jhm731 · « **Reply #400 on:** 4 May 2012, 06:37 pm »

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

decal · « **Reply #401 on:** 4 May 2012, 07:10 pm »

Dammit man, ROTFLMFAO !!!!!!

JerryM · « **Reply #402 on:** 5 May 2012, 04:19 am »

jhm731 · « **Reply #403 on:** 18 May 2012, 02:51 am »

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #404 on:** 18 May 2012, 03:02 am »

I think the above post pretty much violates the no politics rule on several levels.

ted_b · « **Reply #405 on:** 18 May 2012, 03:39 am »

Quote from: Letitroll98 on 18 May 2012, 03:02 am

I think the above post pretty much violates the no politics rule on several levels.

Agreed. Even more ironic, the joke video was create back in 2004 as satire on the Patriot Act, and was a dig at the POTUS at that time (not the current one mentioned above, then edited by the way). Hence, another reason to keep politics out of these discussions.

Æ · « **Reply #406 on:** 18 May 2012, 04:24 am »

A Frog Walks Into A Bank

He approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $20,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $20,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

thunderbrick · « **Reply #407 on:** 18 May 2012, 01:20 pm »

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess.". "Shhhh" said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mom!" "I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes"

JerryM · « **Reply #408 on:** 24 May 2012, 02:24 am »

Oh yeah

thunderbrick · « **Reply #409 on:** 2 Jul 2012, 02:18 pm »

Why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a touch and go.

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

JerryM · « **Reply #410 on:** 4 Jul 2012, 02:08 am »

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam. Placing his chair on his desk, the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

JerryM · « **Reply #411 on:** 8 Jul 2012, 03:40 pm »

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....

Including the curtain rods.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #412 on:** 8 Jul 2012, 04:42 pm »

Don't know whether I should LMFAO or salute the woman's calm sense of creativity and planning.

There's the old saying..........."Revenge is a dish that is best served cold"

JerryM · « **Reply #413 on:** 8 Jul 2012, 04:53 pm »

Quote from: thunderbrick on 8 Jul 2012, 04:42 pm

Don't know whether I should LMFAO or salute the woman's calm sense of creativity and planning.

I'm in both camps, under the ~~heading~~ Warning Label "Hell hath no fury..."

thunderbrick · « **Reply #414 on:** 8 Jul 2012, 05:22 pm »

You got THAT right, Bro!

JerryM · « **Reply #415 on:** 14 Jul 2012, 02:34 am »

Two little old ladies are sitting on a park bench in a beautiful park. A flasher walks up and exposes himself. One of the old ladies has a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach that far.

stanz · « **Reply #416 on:** 19 Jul 2012, 04:22 pm »

One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!". The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly. "Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said. Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"

jhm731 · « **Reply #417 on:** 1 Aug 2012, 05:59 pm »

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked
the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is
$65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."

Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

Wildcat_Fan · « **Reply #418 on:** 3 Aug 2012, 07:16 am »

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Alabama as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

jsm71 · « **Reply #419 on:** 8 Aug 2012, 12:21 pm »

An 80 year old man walks into the confessional at church.

Man: Father I just had sex with a 21 year old girl.
Priest: Are you married?
M: No.
P: Is the young girl married?
M: No.
P: When was your last confession?
M: This is my first time ever.
P: Are you even Catholic?
M: No.
P: Then why are you telling me this?

M: Father, I'm telling everyone!