Joke of the Day

jarcher · « **Reply #921 on:** 6 Mar 2014, 10:23 pm »

Here's one told to me overseas quite some time back that I adjusted for the USA (you can substitute "Bostonian / New Yorker" for other major cities in your country - or reverse them) :

A Bostonian and a New Yorker violinist met at a bar and after a few drinks started to argue about who was best.

The Bostonian says : "Listen hear, I was playing at Trinity Church, and it was so amazing that when I finished, a tear rolled down the face of the Virgin Mary".

The New Yorker responds : "Well I was playing just the other day at St. Patrick's, and when I was done, Jesus came down from the cross, embraced me, and said : "You my son are truly talented, not like that bastard from Boston who made my mother cry".

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #922 on:** 9 Mar 2014, 02:14 pm »

A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"

Guy 13 · « **Reply #923 on:** 13 Mar 2014, 10:52 am »

One morning a boy tell his father:
Father I am going on a trip around the world.
His father:
How do you intend to do that,
you have no money?
The boy answer:
I have my bicycle and that all I need.
The father:
Well if that’s so, it’s O.K. with me,
you can go.
So the boy takes it’s bicycle and leave the house.
Around 10pm the same day,
the boy comes back home.
His father says:
What happen?
Did you have an accident or what?
The boy says no.
But I figure as long as I won’t be too far from the house,
might as well sleep at home.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #924 on:** 13 Mar 2014, 10:54 am »

Guy 13 · « **Reply #925 on:** 13 Mar 2014, 10:55 am »

mikeeastman · « **Reply #926 on:** 15 Mar 2014, 07:16 pm »

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

smargo · « **Reply #927 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 03:03 pm »

everyone knows the movie "the devil wears prada" with meryl streep and ann hathaway

of course - i didnt know they made an x rated version as well called - "the devil wears nada"

mikeeastman · « **Reply #928 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 03:15 pm »

Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.
"Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

FireGuy · « **Reply #929 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 03:26 pm »

JoshK · « **Reply #930 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 04:13 pm »

In honor of St. Patrick's day tomorrow, I will be going to a house party thrown by a bunch of irish lads and practicing irish yoga later tonight.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #931 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 07:52 pm »

What is Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

JerryM · « **Reply #932 on:** 16 Mar 2014, 08:59 pm »

Close Up of the green yoga shirt:

thunderbrick · « **Reply #933 on:** 20 Mar 2014, 03:15 am »

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

jhm731 · « **Reply #934 on:** 20 Mar 2014, 10:55 pm »

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #935 on:** 21 Mar 2014, 10:48 am »

Meanwhile DC:
-I will block Putin, he added the Crimean.

JerryM · « **Reply #936 on:** 21 Mar 2014, 11:07 pm »

JakeJ · « **Reply #937 on:** 22 Mar 2014, 08:05 am »

OW! That hurts just thinkin' about it.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #938 on:** 23 Mar 2014, 09:13 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #939 on:** 23 Mar 2014, 09:29 pm »

It's gonna' be great