[Len_Dreyer]

Eve's side of the story...
 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.  'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'     'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

[lonewolfny42]

Vaseline......

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." 

[BobM]

Warning - sexual content

Why Sentence Structure is Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like crap.'"

[BobM]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

[Bigfish]

TRIP TO WAL-MART

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Buster, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

0AI told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

[Bigfish]

Subject: Poor Bob


 bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week  bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday. 
 
His  wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes  him to a local strip club. 
 
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, bob! How ya
doin?'
 
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
 
'Oh  no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowl ing league. 
 
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
 
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'
 
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
 
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 
 
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
 
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
 
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
 
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
 
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
 
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
 
The cabby turns around and says,
 
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
 
BOB's funeral  will be on Friday   

[Bob in St. Louis]

A Missouri Wife

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan .. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Alabama . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man (Bob) married a girl from Missouri . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
 

[charmerci]

You know you're living in Phoenix , Arizona when...
 
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are too cold, hot, too damn hot and hot.


You know you're living in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
 

You know you're living in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
 
 
You know you're living in Alaska when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 
You know you're living in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
6. The four seasons are nice, sticky, mosquito, and relief.

 
You know you're living in Colorado when...

1. Your neighbor carries their $3,000 mountain bike atop their $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You know you're living in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


AND you know you're living in Florida when...

1. People eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[satfrat]

 The Tale of 2 Girls on Valentines Day


                                                      

                                                                    

[orthobiz]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother'.

[charmerci]

Apparently an old story -
 
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.  The boy rode on the donkey & the old  man walked. As they went along
they  passed some people who remarked it was a  shame the old man was walking &  the boy was riding. The man & boy
thought  maybe the critics were right, so they  changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a  shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then  decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some more  people who thought they were stupid to  walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed  them by saying how awful to put such a  load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably  right, so they decided to carry  the donkey. As they  crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal & he fell into the  river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

   
Kiss your ass good-bye.

Have A Nice Day &  Be Careful With Your Donkey 

-------

Importance of Walking


Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years of age to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he  is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,  'Well, he looks good doesn't he?!'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years - just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, 
I look just fine.

[Bigfish]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs
 

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few


8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'


6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win


5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here


4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him


3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger


2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer


And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

[charmerci]

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap." - Dolly Parton


Fortunately - and unfortunately! - we don't have this problem in audio.

[Len_Dreyer]

The Preacher's Son


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day,while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into
the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
 
1.  A bible.
2.  A silver dollar.
3.  A bottle of whisky.
4.  And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.  "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.  If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!  If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.  But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.  And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Governor."

Edit: Oops, hope that helps. Bob feel free to do what you need to. I got lost in the joke. Thanks.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Thank you Len for the edit!!
I appreciate it.

Bob

[Rashiki]

Just edit it to say, "He's going to be a politician." I think that would be generic enough, yet still funny.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Yes, that would be great!

[orthobiz]

check out

www.oldjewstellingjokes.com

Paul

[Bob in St. Louis]

check out

www.oldjewstellingjokes.com

Paul

Ya know Paul, I was about to request you remove your post (based purely on the web address) until I clicked on it and saw what the point of the site was.
Looks perfectly harmless to me. So far, I've watched three of the videos and find them hilarious.
Thanks! 

Bob

EDIT: I especially like THIS ONE. 

EDIT #2: THIS ONE is a laugh out loud by yourself kinda joke (but not for kids or work)

EDIT #3: ok, ok.....last one. THIS ONE is the best by far. (again, no kids or work).

[Len_Dreyer]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'