[Marbles]

Crap, I didn't mean to shut this thread down.

Let's see a joke!!

[Bob in St. Louis]

Look in a mirror. 






{sorry, couln't resist} 

[BobM]

OK, just to kick this thread off again ...

Q: How many dogs does it take to change a  light bulb?

A: (by species ...)

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


Rottweiler: Make me!


Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?


Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...


Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.


Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky  toys in the dark.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the  day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

[Bob in St. Louis]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
 
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
 
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
 
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want too appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
 
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."
 
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
 
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[thunderbrick]

Look in a mirror. 

{sorry, couln't resist} 

 

[thunderbrick]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Orioles jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankees fan from the water. Then using autographed Cal Ripken baseball bats, the three heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Orioles and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing! 
How's the bait holding up?"

[nathanm]

Oh NO!  The word "buddies" AND "Pope" AND "God!" The horror, the horror!  It's the END!  The end of AudioCircle!  Oh the humanity!!!  *Nate rents his clothing*

[BobM]

Oh NO!  The word "buddies" AND "Pope" AND "God!" The horror, the horror!  It's the END!  The end of AudioCircle!  Oh the humanity!!!  *Nate rents his clothing*

Put that thing back inside that rent! That's disgusting. You should be banned for letting children and old women see that nasty thing.   

[konut]

Oh NO!  The word "buddies" AND "Pope" AND "God!" The horror, the horror!  It's the END!  The end of AudioCircle!  Oh the humanity!!!  *Nate rents his clothing*

Don't forget the sack cloth and ashes.

[Bob in St. Louis]

I'll apologize in advance for this one. 

===========================================================
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.   

'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
   
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.   

'Was she pretty?'

   

 

   

'Dunno...Never found the head!'

[thunderbrick]

I'll apologize in advance for this one. 

===========================================================
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.   

'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
   
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.   

'Was she pretty?'

   

 

   

'Dunno...Never found the head!'

[Bob in St. Louis]

 'True'  Friendship

None of that Sissy Cr@p

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?  Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.  You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.   WHEN YOU ARE SAD -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the nasty git who made you sad.

2.   WHEN YOU ARE BLUE -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3.   WHEN YOU SMILE -- I will know you are plotting something that I want to be involved in. 

4.   WHEN YOU ARE SCARED -- I will tease you about it every chance I get.

5.   WHEN YOU ARE WORRIED -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6.   WHEN YOU ARE CONFUSED -- I will use little, tiny words.

7.   WHEN YOU ARE SICK --  Keep away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.

8.   WHEN YOU FALL -- I will probably point at you and loudly laugh my head off..

9.   THIS IS MY OATH.... I pledge it to the end 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. 

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel...

 

[nathanm]

Now that's more like it.  Good wholesome, family humor like necrophilia with headless corpses.   None of this uncouth "Greek Army" business.  Tsk tsk tsk.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Yea Nathan, but it's against AC rules to call the Army of an entire country a bunch of fudgepackers. 
You'll like this one too.

============

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:   

 

 

Always keep your condoms in the car!

[Bob in St. Louis]

Ok, how about this one:
--------------------




A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis
3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for
I was naked.'
 

[chadh]

One sunday afternoon, Fr O'Reilly was relaxing on his porch when he saw Rabbi Cohen walking down the street with a sullen look on his face.

"Rabbi Cohen, Rabbi Cohen, what is troubling you?" asked Fr O'Reilly. 

Rabbi Cohen looked up at the priest a sighed a deep, heartfelt sight and said, "Fr O'Reilly.  Every Sunday you see me pass you at this very place, and every week I am smiling as I ride my bicycle.  Yet this week I am walking.  And I walk with a heavy, heavy heart."

Fr O'Reilly agreed that this was true.  Each week the Rabbi did ride past on his bike, with a beaming smile.  "So what has happened to you bicycle, Rabbi Cohen?"  he inquired. 

"I'm afraid that someone in my congregation must have stolen the bicycle.  I can't find it anywhere."  And with that, the Rabbi burst into tears.

Fr. O'Reilly invited the distraught rabbi in for a soothing cup of tea, and did his best to comfort him.  And when the rabbi's tears had stopped and he had calmed somewhat, the priest presented him with a solution to his problem.

"Next week, Rabbi Cohen, you must preach on the ten commandments.  List the commandments for your congregation, and remind them of the importance of each.  And when you get to "Thou Shalt Not Steal", the thief will be so overcome with guilt that I guarantee the bicycle will be returned by the end of the weekend."

The rabbi thanked the priest for his kindness, and his advice, and promised to put the plan into action the very next sabbath.

The following Sunday, Fr O'Reilly again sat relaxing on his porch when he spied a cheery Rabbi Cohen cycling toward him, whistling a jaunty tune.  The priest hailed the rabbi, who immediately came to a halt by the priest's  porch and began to offer his heartfelt thanks for his wise counsel.

"The sermon really worked?" asked Fr O'Reilly, with just a hint of incredulity.

"Of course," replied Rabbi Cohen.  "It worked like a dream - although not exactly as you had suggested it would."

"What do you mean?" asked Fr O'Reilly, shooting him a quizzical glance.

"Well, as you suggested, I began the sermon preaching about the ten commandments.  And I worked through the commandments one at a time, impressing the importance of each upon the congregation.  I passed "Thou Shalt Not Steal" without so much as an uncomfortable murmur from the crowd.  But when I got  to "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", I immediately remembered where I'd left my bike!"

Chad

[JerryM]

You're on the bus when you suddenly realize that you really need to fart. The music is really loud, so you carefully time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, you notice everyone is just glaring at you. That’s when you realize you've been listening to your iPod.

Have fun,
Jerry

[nathanm]

My current collection of YouTube spelling atrocities:
----------------------------------------------------
Comment about dachsund dog
 • If they get to fat it can brack ther back or the sleep a disk

• ol my first video plz be nice i just through it together

• YOU are a pussy. So how does all that sand taist with your head barried in it.

• its adobe ilistrater

Comment about a guitar
• kilodiamond damn you make me want to right a song i like that tar you got

• Man I'm loose'n it.

Not exactly the best way to phrase the argument
the law bans weed because it free's a ur mind and solves a problem for example but the reaction after is flaming appetite if it was legalized it would also cause more food for people so they ban it.  However tobacco with all its chemicals suppress your appetite is legal and allowed. therefore less food for people and farming and more to the law in materialistic goods.
(age 24, from USA)

• hahahaha exactly lol couldnt of said it better my self

• i cant bleav he dident BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(age 47, USA)

• well.. basicaly it's a simbol of peace and joy... just because some guy with a mustage used it doesn't mean it's bad

•  what are proper percaustions of safty for playing with Mercury

DISHONORABLE MENTION
"I started nOrh because so many people that I knew were loosing their jobs…"

[Len_Dreyer]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'


Edit:
If you have ever wondered where the the East Coast term "youse" came from ....

[Len_Dreyer]

**Wild Sex**

A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop.
 
The proprietor said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.  Dey make you wild at sex.'
 
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
 
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
 
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
 
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
 
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
 
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'