[Bob in St. Louis]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of  that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his  teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

[Bob in St. Louis]

You've got to love this guy's explanation of hell. The following is an
actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they areleaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave; therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Russell Dawkins]

O.K., for that I forgive you your previous joke!

[Bob in St. Louis]

   Thanks Russell

[Bob in St. Louis]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
           
He  calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is  developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will  teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad  says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him  down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the   course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About  two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.   The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol'  Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome,  Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't  believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach  the animals how to read!"
 
"Read!?" says his father, "No  kidding!  How do we get Blue in that  program?"
 
   "Just  send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 
The money promptly  arrives. But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his  father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots  the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year,  his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't  wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad,"  the boy  says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we  left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the  recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually  does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy  still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in  town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch  before he talks to your Mother!"
 
"I sure did,  Dad!"
 
"That's my  boy!"

{Apparently my theme today is killing animals.  Sorry about that}

[Len_Dreyer]

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'  The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'  'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'  'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Len_Dreyer]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'  The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

[BillB]

Church Bulletin Bloopers


The Fasting & Prayer Conference: includes meals.
 
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
 
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[Bob in St. Louis]

 DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
 
 I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.
 
 Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
 
 I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
 
 I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
 
 She replied,
 'What happened to my booger?'   

[nathanm]

The Church Bulletin bloopers reminds me of my grandma, she had a list of those.  Great stuff!   Makes you wonder how accidental they are though, cause they're just too good.

[GregC]

Deleted per the moderator's request.

[Bob in St. Louis]

.

[nathanm]

Booger jokes, bugger jokes, what's the difference?

[thunderbrick]

 

[BobM]

Booger jokes, bugger jokes, what's the difference?

Shouldn't those be "Bo-oger" and "Bug-ger" ? 

[GregC]

Uhh, that one might get us trouble Greg.

Sorry, I read other jokes that were worse and could not resist. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

.

[Marbles]

An oldie but a goodie.....



WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

[markC]

Marbles, youv'e been chasin' the deer too long.

[nathanm]

Marbles, you've got a BM.