[orthobiz]

  A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and  we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,'says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops.'

[Wind Chaser]

[diofan56]

Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam

1.   Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2.   Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a.   66 Ford Fairlane
b.   69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c.   64 Pontiac GTO

3.   If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4.   A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.  The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.  The plot is 2.3 acres in size.  The average tree diameter is 14 inches.  How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5.   If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6.   A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation.  The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.  The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine.  When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7.   A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.  The man has 5 children.  Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8.   A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.  The brakes fail.  Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?  For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9.   A Coal Mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.  The mine employs 120 miners per shift.  A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift.  How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10.   At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[yooper]

What is a 710 knob?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.. ' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 knob is Click here

Mark

[Bob in St. Louis]

As a service department employee, it saddens me that people really CAN be that stupid.   

[Bob in St. Louis]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?  Well, you'll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, yes I did.  I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely.  Then the son-of-a-bitch asked,

"What did you teach?"

[charmerci]

This is just too much!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvQwXOCKNLY

[nathanm]

This is my bad re-telling of a joke I heard somewhere.  For all I know it could've been AC years ago.  Not terribly funny, just cruel.  Since this post no longer needs the CAPS edit I'll tell this one in its stead.
---------
Dave comes home to find his wife in bed with another man.  He pulls a gun on the man and commands him to follow him to his workshop shed outside, still naked.  Dave tells the man to get up on the table and squat over a bench vise.  He makes the man place his testicles between the jaws.  Dave gently closes the jaws of the vice so that the man's balls are trapped below, but not crushed.  He then breaks off the handle of the vise and reaches to get a hacksaw from the wall.  The man screams,

"Oh god no!  You're not going to cut them off are you!?"

Dave says, "No, you are.  I'm going to set fire to the shed.
---------

(Kind of Mad Max-ish, aina?)

[Russell Dawkins]

This is just too much!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvQwXOCKNLY

Yeah, Shatner took some staggering chances! He made some pretty - shall we say - surprising records, too!
Didn't look like that cigarette was tasting very good.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Thanks, Nathan, I've, edited, for, proper-ness. 

[Russell Dawkins]

LEGO for New Yorkers:
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego-ny/?8ty&emc=ty

[chadh]

This is just too much!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvQwXOCKNLY

That inspired a surprisingly large number of emotions deep within me!

Thanks to youtube though:  after affording me that opportunity to watch Shatner climb to such dizzying dramatic heights, youtube then introduced me to Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04&NR=1

Chad

[Len_Dreyer]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
 
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
 
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
 
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
 
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
 
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
 
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
 
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
 
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[JoshK]

LEGO for New Yorkers:
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/02/i-lego-ny/?8ty&emc=ty

Good one.

I walk past this spot every weekday on my way to work.

[Len_Dreyer]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight..

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

[markC]

So is the square nuts one a reworking of the pissing on the bartender joke or are both a reworking of an already established template?

Reworking a joke in an entertaining way is one thing, but the old balls in a vise????

[BrassEar]

1- My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
 
2- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
 
3- A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
 
4- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the NY strip, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
 
5- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

[nathanm]

So is the square nuts one a reworking of the pissing on the bartender joke or are both a reworking of an already established template?

Reworking a joke in an entertaining way is one thing, but the old balls in a vise????

Well now, I did give plenty of disclaimers about it!  Besides, nothing could be more painful than that Shatner version of Rocket Man.  Ugh!  Nimoy's "Bilbo Baggins" owns it…well the song is good, the video is pure cheese.

[GregC]

A little girl wants to take her dog, Buffy, for a walk. She says, "Mom, can I take Buffy for a walk?"

The mom says, "No sweetheart, Buffy is in heat."

The little girl says, "What is heat mommy?"

The mom says, "Go ask your dad."

The little girl says, "Dad, I want to take Buffy for a walk and mom says I cannot take Buffy because Buffy is in heat."

The dad takes Buffy and rubs gasoline on her rear end and says, "You can walk Buffy around the block once and then come straight home."

The little girl returns shortly afterwards with just a leash and collar. 

The dad says, "Where's Buffy?"

The little girl replies, "Buffy ran out of gas part way around the block and some other dog is helping push her home."

[BobM]

A Chicken asks ...

Mom are we people?

- No, we are chicken.

Mom, are chickens born?

- No, chickens are laid.

Mom, are people laid?

- Not all, some are chicken.