[macrojack]

It has been determined by research that most married couples have sex doggie-style .........

       He sits up and begs and she rolls over and plays dead.

[Brown]

Ges I thought I was alone. Good one dude.

[ted_b]

I wanna meet this guy! 

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.     

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:     

    Dear Mrs. Chapman,

     Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Chapman are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..     

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.     

    2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.     

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.     

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'     

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.     

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.     

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.     

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'     

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.     

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.     

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.     

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.     

    13. October 9: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'     

    14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
     
    And last, but not least ...
     
    15. October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Len_Dreyer]

New High School Exit Exam.............!!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1.) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2.) Which country makes  Panama hats?

3.) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4.) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5.) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6.) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7.) What was King George VI's first name?

8.) What color is a purple finch?

9.) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10.) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ..

1.) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years

2.) Which country makes  Panama hats?
Ecuador

3.) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4.) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5.) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6.) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7.) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert

8.) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson

9.) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10.) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

 

[lonewolfny42]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. 

[Brown]

Very funny Chris. My mom loved it.

[thunderbrick]

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks Up a Case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful', replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Over the PA system comes:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'.

[Bob in St. Louis]

 So, here's the story. . .
 
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Art ie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

[Bob in St. Louis]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.' 

[Len_Dreyer]

A couple had been married for 30 years, when on one evening, while in bed the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled, as his fingers started at her neck, then moved down past the small of her back, caressed her shoulders and neck.

He then slowly worked his hand down over her chest, stopping just over her lower stomach.

Next, he proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her chest again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful! Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote.'

         

[Bob in St. Louis]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew...
   
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's plan to employ underprivileged  youngsters from poor neighborhoods.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how these youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.  However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 tires in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale, Jr. for 10 cases of Bud and a bag of weed.

[Len_Dreyer]

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."  Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
 
The kid says "one".
 
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?"  The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
 
 
 
     

[orthobiz]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford to buy new batteries.

[Russell Dawkins]

received this this morning:


This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam
while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned
out to be
quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come
over to your
car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young
breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It's impossible not to look, especially with all the rain we have been
having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask
you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco at Kingston Park.

You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start
undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over
into the
front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you,
touching you
intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one
steals
your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th,
20th, 24th, and 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice yesterday and
very likely
again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75
and look
better.

[Bob in St. Louis]

St. Louis Rams 2009 SCHEDULE
>
>
>
>       September
>       13.....................  Wentzville Junior High School
>       20......................Cub Scout Troop #101
>       27.....................  St. Louis Blind Academy
>
>       October
>       04.....................Spanish American War Vets
>       11.....................Crippled Children's Home
>       18.................... Eloise Mental Hospital
>       25.....................Girl Scout Troop # 353
>
>       November
>       01.....................Missouri Nursing home association
>       08.....................Fraser Boys Choir
>       15......................Korean Vets
>       22.....................National Hospital Pastorial Ministers
>       26.....................Ft. Zumwalt West Sychronized Swimming Team
>
>       SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
>       December
>       08....................Matthew Dicky Boys Club
>
>
>       ** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
>
>       1 - When playing polio patients, the Rams must not disconnect
>       knee braces.
>       2 - When playing the Blind Academy , the Rams must not hide the
>       football under their jerseys.
>
>       ** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
>
>       1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal
>       line. For all you Rams fans that have never seen this) it is
>       still worth 6 points.
>       2 - The Rams will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
>       3 - The Rams will be allowed to substitute with band members at
>       anytime.
>       4 - The Rams will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for
>       the opposing team.
>       5 - The Rams will be awarded a first down with each gain of
>       three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

[Bob in St. Louis]

An elderly woman walked into the Bankof Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the
elderly woman to the president's office.


The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made
bets.

The president was surprised and asked what kind of bets.

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'


The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.


The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not
square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer
as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money
involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10
o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'

[Bob in St. Louis]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.  After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,  'Are all of those kids yours?' 
He replied, 'No. I work for a Condom company.
These are customer complaints.'

[nathanm]

So is the square nuts one a reworking of the pissing on the bartender joke or are both a reworking of an already established template?

[nathanm]

This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.  Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look, especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco at Kingston Park.

You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.

The Nigerians and Russian bride scammers would do well to emulate this approach!   Heck, it's hard to even think of it as a crime!  It sounds like an involuntary lap dance.  As long as you don't carry too much cash it might even be cheaper!