[Len_Dreyer]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We don't have kids at home to gather at the Christmas tree with and we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manu al."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said, 'Take a sweater.'"

[Bob in St. Louis]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
   If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
   If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
   When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
   none will actually admit they want change back.
   When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
   A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
   A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
   A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
   The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
   A woman has the last word in any argument.
   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
   A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
   A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
   A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
   Women somehow deteriorate during the night. {I really like that one, Bob}

OFFSPRING
   Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
   and hopes and dreams.
   A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

[Big Red Machine]

~ Deer Camp ~

The guys were all at a deer camp..  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn.  In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.  I watched him all night.'
The third night was Pete's turn.  Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.  “Good morning,” he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

 
SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

            Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
Humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with
The kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes,
Basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind
Of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that
She was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was
Sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a
Powder room f or female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the
Pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in
You, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.
With time running out, the woman weighe d her options. Her husband, picking
Up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an
All-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even
Notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate
Camouflage."

            So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants
And proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a
Slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so
You don't move.
            Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassin G moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
Racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another
Slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down
Around her kn ees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued
Backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other
Skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently
With a pylon.

            The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull
Up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her
Nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a
Hospital.

            While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken
Leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she
Asked, making small talk.
            "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
Riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was
This crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with
Her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better
Look and fell out of the lift....   So, how'd you break your arm?"

 
 

[Len_Dreyer]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

[nathanm]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[ted_b]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Nathan,
No offense but it was funnier the first time.     (I know, I know, you hate commas, when none are, needed, )

[markC]

Great variation of a classic joke. It made me laugh out loud, not just lol.

Then along came principal nathan and wrapped my knuckles.

[CSI]

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees  a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
 
  CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
  HAMBURGER: $2.25
  CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
  HAND JOB: $500.00
 
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
 
  'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
 
  I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?

  'Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".
 
  The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger'.

[Len_Dreyer]

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners…..

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

[Russell Dawkins]

 Hilarious! That's about the funniest list of its kind I've seen. I'm sending this around to all my friends.

[ZLS]

    The list is absolutely hilarious, but I have to say that some of them absolutely paint a picture in your mind. 

    Number 14 about the star crossed lovers; I still have nightmares about having to solve those problems in school! 

    Number 4 does leave an image in your mind. 

    Number 3 the kid is a wiseass, but isn' it true. 

[Mightyburner]

"Bear Hunting"
(Not sure if this was posted before but what the heck)

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
 He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after , there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?'

[Len_Dreyer]

AGING
 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98, two years older than me", she replied.  "So you're 96" the undertaker commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.  She replied simply, "No peer pressure."

One of the nice things about being senile is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees.  I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I'm half blind. I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts of dementia.  I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 but, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 
Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. 

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER : 
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference.


(And thanks to Nathan cutting and pasting ain't what it used to be.  )

[nathanm]

My favorite old joke\phrase is "When you're my age you don't buy any green bananas!"

[Len_Dreyer]

Warren Sapp had a great line on ESPN last week.  The best thing about memories is making them.

[Len_Dreyer]

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
 
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
 
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
 
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
 
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
 
 
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

 

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India. 
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
 
And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

[bpape]

A man boarded an aircraft at  London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' 
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual 
nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call me Paddy. '

[nathanm]

That was also the story given by the user "Tonto Yoder" back in aught three if I remember correctly:
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=2198.msg17723#msg17723
That's more fleshed out, though.

[jaywills]

Here's one that recently came across my desk.  Apologies if you've heard it before and for the one salty word.  Enjoy.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
 
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your leader" The gas pump, of course, didn't respond The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"