[Russell Dawkins]

Good one Bob.   It wouldn't surprise me at all if there was an element or two of truth to it given the locations, Edmonton, Sylvan Lake and Canmore.  Alberta is one of the most affluent places on the planet with a very strong economy.

Yes, thanks to oil revenues they even managed to pay off their debt completely, I believe. What a concept!

[Bob in St. Louis]

Thanks Mr. Chaser!
I don't know where any of those places are. I thought about changing the names, but I figured there's always going to be someone who doesn't know. 

Bob

[charmerci]

Chuck bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

[charmerci]

Money Exchange

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the Currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . .  An Asian lady who was trying to Exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged  his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

[Cacophonix]

Money Exchange

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the Currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . .  An Asian lady who was trying to Exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged  his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

 

[charmerci]

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Bob in St. Louis]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'  

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert...Shoulda bought a hat.'

[chadh]

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.  He put the octopus down in front of the proprietor and announced, "I'll bet you $500 that this octopus can play any musical instrument you have in the bar."  The bartender looked at the man, then the octopus, and back to the man again.  He smiled, and, without saying a word, motioned toward the piano in the corner.

Moments later, the man had settled his octopus on the piano stool, and a crowd of amused patrons had gathered around to observe.  The bartender simply polished glasses behind the bar with a smirk on his face.

The bartender's smile only broadened as the octopus made his first explorations of the keyboard.  One tentacle extended tentatively, hitting a key or two and then withdrawing.  Members of the crowd began to giggle.  But the man with the octopus remained quite composed.

The octopus reached out again, poised for a moment over the keys, and then, with a flurry, tore into the most passionate and inspired rendition of Rachmaninoff's 6th Piano Concerto that any in the bar had ever heard.  As the final chord lingered in the air, the spellbound crows was unable to make a sound.  It was a full minute before anybody was able to muster some applause, but eventually the whole bar erupted with jubilant celebration.  Everyone knew what an astounding phenomenon they had just observed; everybody except the bartender, that is.  His smirk had turned to a scowl, and one could practically see the steam billowing from beneath his collar.

The man with the octopus turned to the bartender and politely requested his $500.  But the bartender shook his head. 
"You said he could play ANY instrument in the place.  Let's see how he manages with this!"  And with that, the bartender plucked a guitar from a nearby wall and thrust it at the octopus.

The octopus wrapped himself around the guitar, clinging to it as his owner moved him to a new perch atop the bar.  The crowd cheered, and followed the invertebrate, hoping for another amazing performance.  After five minutes of uncomfortable silence, though, the crowd began to murmur.  The bartender's smile began to return.  The octopus began to change color, as if to blend into the mahogany bar, and his first nervous plucks at the strings did little to generate any great confidence in his abilities.  But again the octopus's owner showed no distress.  Suddenly, without warning, the octopus was transformed.  With a flourish of tentacles he began to pluck and strum a flamenco piece of unparalleled life and vibrancy.  Whole sections of the crowd were moved to tears one moment, only to be chanting their enraptured and joyous support the next.  Every note seemed to slice through the smokey, drunken atmosphere and light a tiny but brilliant flame in the heart of each listener, and their applause at the end was even more enthusiastic than their acclaim for the piano performance.

The bartender, of course, was livid.  He didn't even look at the man or the octopus.  Instead, he ducked beneath the bar and emerged a moment later with an ancient oboe.  This he slammed down on the bartop, folded his arms, and stood back to observe how the octopus would cope with the woodwind.

The octopus picked up the oboe and put the reeds to his beak.  He sucked for a moment, and then blew a couple of honking, screeching notes.  But after a deep breath, he began to blow, and managed a passable, if unspectacular, version of Kenny G's "Songbird".  The crowd breathed a sigh of relief when he had finished, and hoped that the bartender would just pay his debt now, before the octopus had to reach any deeper into his repertoire.

But the bartender was still not satisfied.  He threw open a door behind the bar and disappeared.  Minutes later he returned, coughing and wheezing, bearing an old and dusty set of bagpipes.  These he threw down on the bar disdainfully, and glared menacingly at the octopus, daring him to approach the instrument.

But approach the octopus did.  Slowly and cautiously, with an air of apprehension that the onlookers found unsettling.  The octopus began to circle the bagpipes, investigating them suspiciously...lifting a pipe, and then letting it fall to the bartop.  For the first time in the evening, the owner's face showed signs of anxiety, and he leaned closer to the octopus, nudging it forward, gently encouraging it to a bonny Scottish air, or even an AC/DC riff.  But the octopus still hesitated.

The bartender, sensing a weakness, began to watch more intently, and a new and intense quiet fell over an already astonished crowd.

Eventually the tension began to overwhelm the octopus's owner.  "Octopus," he cried, "What are you doing?  Are you going to play the damn instrument?"

The octopus stared back in disbelief.

"Play it?" he asked.  "As soon as I can get its damn pajamas off, I'm going to f**k it!"

Chad

[Bob in St. Louis]

    Excellent

[TF1216]

I thought this was funny:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kf-swxOwmc&feature=related

[mightym]

For the Duffer's,

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Señor Rod?  This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto ...what can I do for you?  Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.'

My parrot?  Dead? The one that won the International parrot competition?'

'Si, Señor, that's the one.

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Si, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?  What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.'

'Good Lord!  What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?  Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'

'Si, Señor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!!  What the hell was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Señor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Señor Rod.  She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........



'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s#&t!!'
 
 

[Bob in St. Louis]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.... and those who don't:
   
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there
is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Bob

[Bob in St. Louis]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.  She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his coffee. "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asked solemnly.

The wife was almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband was.  "Yes, I do." she replied.

The husband paused.  The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[ZLS]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.... and those who don't:
  
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there
is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Bob

    Continuing in the same vein; the late W.C, Fields was once asked why he only drank whiskey.  Wont drink water he said, fish f**k in it! 

    To Bob of St. Lou; keep em coming in the New Year. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

fish f**k in it! 

    To Bob of St. Lou; keep em coming in the New Year. 

That's a good quote!
Ok, I'll keep 'em coming' the best I can for '09. Thanks for the encouragement ZLS. 

Bob

[thunderbrick]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him.  She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his coffee. "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asked solemnly.

The wife was almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband was.  "Yes, I do." she replied.

The husband paused.  The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

I just read this (while laughing) out loud to my wife.  She had but this one-word tender comment:

ASSHOLE!!
 

[yooper]

Here are a few one liners.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and screams out: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Mark

[ted_b]

Ahhh, Steven Wright.  I love his stuff.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

[Russell Dawkins]

I like Steve, too.

Here are a few more of his one-liners, taken from here: http://www.jokes2go.com/lists/list74.html

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Notes from a Washington, DC airport ticket agent employee:   

      I had a New Hampshire woman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
             _____

      I got a call from a woman, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I  started to explain the length of the flight and the Passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but  Cape Town  is in  Massachusetts . '
          Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in  Massachusetts,  Cape Town is in  Africa . '
         Her response - click.
           _____


      A elderly man, furious about a Florida package we did.
          I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
          I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
         He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG) 
           _____


      I got a call from a lady who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'  I said, 'No.'
          She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!) 
           _____


      An young man once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)
          _____


      An Illinois woman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
          Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 

      ____


      A  New Yorker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'
          I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
          She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'
          After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
           _____


      A young man called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, he asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii  ?'
          _____


      I just got off the phone with a young man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?'
          I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'
           _____


      A lady called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'


          ________


           A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
          'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'
          I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
          When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
           _____


      A New Mexico woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,  New York . '
          I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?'
          'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady.
          After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.'
          The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'
          So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,  'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'
          The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.