Joke of the day

yooper · « **Reply #120 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 12:05 am »

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently. He was spotted carrying two buckets of fish while leaving a lake which was well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man hesitates for a second and replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a little while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets....and I take em home."

"Bullshit... do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?" asked the warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said, "Here... I'm serious and I'll show you."

The game warden was now a little curious. The man poured the fish into the lake then stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH!."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Mark

aragon63 · « **Reply #121 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 12:52 am »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #122 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 12:57 am »

aragon63 · « **Reply #123 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 12:58 am »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #124 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 01:01 am »

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aragon63 · « **Reply #125 on:** 1 Sep 2008, 01:15 am »

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Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #126 on:** 3 Sep 2008, 04:26 pm »

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing which profession makes the
best patient to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, who's from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
> on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside
> is numbered.'
>
> The second surgeon from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you, should try
> electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
>
> The third surgeon from Dallas , says, 'No, I don't agree. I really think
> librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical
> order'.
>
> The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
> construction workers and mechanics...those guys always understand when
> you have a few parts left over.'
>
> But the fifth surgeon from Washington , DC , shuts them all up when he
> observes: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
> on...there're no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
> the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
----------------------------------------------

I know that's borderline political, but since it's not taking sides, that makes it ok......right? aa

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #127 on:** 8 Sep 2008, 06:05 pm »

BLOND JOKES:
==========

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

TRIVIAL PURSUIT
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

yooper · « **Reply #128 on:** 8 Sep 2008, 10:02 pm »

My internal medicine doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably
sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #129 on:** 10 Sep 2008, 04:50 pm »

> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
> school
> diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in
> our jobs.
>
> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
> correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
> pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
> some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked
> with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
> Engineers.
>
> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
> accident. *
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best one for last...
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.

--------------------------------------
* Side note from Bob; I thought the Australian airline Quantis was the only airline without an accident?

consttraveler · « **Reply #130 on:** 11 Sep 2008, 07:49 pm »

You know you are getting old when a windbreaker is not something you wear, but your nickname.

macrojack · « **Reply #131 on:** 12 Sep 2008, 11:40 pm »

Peter King picked the Broncos to beat the Chargers this Sunday. Could turn out to be joke of the month.

Tyson · « **Reply #132 on:** 13 Sep 2008, 02:49 am »

Audiocircle! That's my joke of the day (ducks for cover....)

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #133 on:** 13 Sep 2008, 04:28 pm »

Crushed scrotum-----

Our pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers.

A lady in our congregation stood and walked to the podium. "I have a
praise," she said. "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know
if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.
They were able to piece together the crushed remnants and wrap wire around
his scrotum to hold it in."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

Our pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

"I'm Jim," he said, "and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

Bill O'Connell · « **Reply #134 on:** 13 Sep 2008, 05:01 pm »

Speaking of blondes......

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

aragon63 · « **Reply #135 on:** 21 Sep 2008, 07:50 pm »

Imperial · « **Reply #136 on:** 21 Sep 2008, 10:05 pm »

Right...

I hope it's a joke...

Imperial

aragon63 · « **Reply #137 on:** 21 Sep 2008, 10:23 pm »

deleted

Imperial · « **Reply #138 on:** 21 Sep 2008, 10:40 pm »

Can you dig it ... man! aa

Uhm... no diggity, it seems.

No doubt...

Imperial

Imperial · « **Reply #139 on:** 21 Sep 2008, 11:07 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 8 Sep 2008, 06:05 pm

BLOND JOKES:

TRIVIAL PURSUIT
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

Ok. This one is "on" me.

I didn't get that one...

Hehehe.....

Really, can someone explain it?

Any splainin' will do, I'll even accept the unplugged version, but I'm told that one doesn't suck as much...