[Bob in St. Louis]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of
Embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
 
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
 
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
 
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
 
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
 
'Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[Hogg]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[djbnh]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Harold had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Harold in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy  Sue planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Harold asked shocked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, they're always looking for a new place to do it!'

'Is that so?' asked Harold, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.  'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well umm, thanks for the tip!' Harold said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Harold.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The TWIST, dammit! It's called the Twist!

[BobM]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[djbnh]

The Wedding Fairy

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.  She said, "For being such an
exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered! , "Oh, I want to
travel around the world with my darling husband."  The fairy waved her
magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in
her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but
my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."  The wife, and the
fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy
waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband turned 92 years old. 

[lonewolfny42]

Fore.......something for the golfers...

Top 10 Caddy Comments.....

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake!
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course!
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth!

8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now!

7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually!

6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence!

5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch, it's a compass!

4. Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

And the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

[djbnh]

Sex After Death
 
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would
 come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
 biggest fear was that there was no after life.
 
After a long life together, the husband was the first
 to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
 'Connie ....Connie.'
 
'Is that you, Joe?'
 
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
 
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
 
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
 breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have
 sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a
 couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
 proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf
 course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
 afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
 some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
 all over again.'
 
'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

 
 
'Not exactly ...

 

I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

Sad News.....

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started!




 Shut up. You know it's funny.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
 
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
 
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
 
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
 
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
 
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
 
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
 
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
 
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
 
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
Thought you'd like to know.

[JohnR]

OH dear, very funny Bob

[Captain Humble]

What's the difference between women and men?

A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Jeff

[Matt__P]

How do you piss off a woman Geologist??

hand her a used tampon and ask her what period is it from

[rpf]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
 
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
 
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
 
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
 
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
 
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
 
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
 
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
 
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
 
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
Thought you'd like to know.

That is funny.

[Imperial]

You have GOT to be joking... right? http://filter.start.no/humor/1790

Hahaha! 

Uhm... I can state a joke if that helps... or...
Wait just a minute, I'll check what state the joke is in right now...  Yeah it's borderline but it'll do...

What did Tennessee?
Whatever Arkansas.

 


Imperial

[Bob in St. Louis]

Interesting observation:


1.  The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2.  The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4.  The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5.  The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6.   The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
 

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[jaywills]

A little hill humor form Arkansas:

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself.  "When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if
he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."

[rpf]

My favorite.


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Nice one rpf! 
=============

A husband and wife are shopping in the grocery store, and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put's it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 
'They're on sale, only $10 for 18 cans,' he replies. 
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
 
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 
 
Her husband retorts: 'So does 18 cans of Budweiser and its half the price'.   

[Goosepond]

This guy walks into the diner and tells the waitress, give me a cup of coffee w/o any cream.

The waitress (she must have been blond  ) tells the guy, you'll have to take it w/o milk, we don't have any cream.

Gene

[TRADERXFAN]

An old farmer was at the butcher shop, talking business with his friend. He mentioned how his last rooster just died and he’s going to need a new one to service all of his hens, and he had so many hens now, he probably needed more than one. The butcher overhearing this, piped up and said “well if it’s a horny rooster you need, I think I have just the ticket.”  “Oh?”, the farmer said, “how is that?”

The butcher said, “Well, I got this rooster here that I have been meaning to get around to slaughtering, he was sold to me on the cheap because the farmer just wanted to get rid of him because he was TOO horny! I tell you what, I will sell him to you for what I paid and I bet you only need this one to do the job”

So the farmer agreed and anxiously took his new rooster home.  As soon as he let him loose in the hen house, he went right to work. “Hot damn, I got a good one there” he thought.   So he went into the house to tell his wife. After a while, he heard the ducks on the pond making a commotion. He looked out and sure enough, the rooster was going after them too. “Golly, that is one horny rooster!” he said.

But it didn’t stop there, all through the night he could hear the roosters exploits -the cat meowing, the dog yelping, then later the cows mooing, and the horses neighing… until he fell asleep.
 
The next morning the farmer awoke, and things were quiet. He looked out the window and in the early morning sun, he could see his new rooster, lying stretched out flat on his back in the driveway.  The farmer hopped out of his bed and hurried down to see what happened to the rooster. As he approached, he could see the buzzards were already circling over head, looking at their next meal.   He was dead, stiff as a board. He figured he must have just worn himself out. He muttered, “Old boy, if you would have just PACED yourself you could have had all you wanted for years…”

Then the rooster cocked one eye open and whispered “shhhh....go away, they’re about to land”