[PeteG]

Sorry, I didn't take it that way.

[ricmon]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel
Great.


I be at work soon.........You got nice house'*

terrible racist joke.

[Bob in St. Louis]

terrible racist joke.

Yea Pete, I thought we might get in trouble posting that. I left it alone since the Chinese guy got the last laugh by banging his bosses wife.  But I appreciate you editing your post. Now, I'll have to deal with Mr. Ricmon since he's still displaying the "terrible racist joke"! 

Bob

[djbnh]

Sorry, I didn't take it that way.

Me neither. I'm part Polish and have no problem being told, or telling, a number of good Polish jokes. OF course, the other half is Sicilian, we just send you 2 sleep w/the fish if your joke isn't funny...

[djbnh]

Little Johnny Joke:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[djbnh]

Little Jimmy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her pubic hair and asks, "What's that Mommy?"

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Jimmy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some months later, Jimmy walks in on his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her pubic hair for bikini season. Jimmy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Jimmy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Jimmy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"

"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"

[djbnh]

And one more:

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Goosepond]

Ok, here in South Louisiana we tend to tell jokes on ourselves (in order to keep up with everyone else  )

And they tend to involve either Boudreaux or Thidodeaux, or both. This one is about Boudreau.



The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS
office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with
his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due to unreported income.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How
about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops. Boudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


Gene

[ted_b]

Dirty Johnny is never called on cuz he always swears and says rude things.  He promises to be better this new school year. 

First day, the teacher asks each child to tell us a little about his/her summer vacation, and to use the word "beautiful" in the few sentences at least twice.

DJ raises his hand.  Nothing doing.

Jimmy says "My family and I went to a beautiful lake and swam and played an had a nice time.  it was a beautiful day."

"Thanks Jimmy", says the teacher.  "Who's next?"  DJ raises his hand, but the teacher thinks twice again.

Sally says "The most beautiful bride I ever saw was my sister at her wedding this summer.  Even the bridesmaid dresses were beautiful, but NOT as beautiful as my sister."

"OK, Sally, good job.  Who's next", says the teacher.  Finally, she sees that Dirty Johnny really wants to participate so she lets him.

"Well.....we didn't really do all that much this summer.  But one day, while we were eating dinner, my 18 yr old sister came into the house and announced that she was pregnant.  My dad said, "Beautiful, just fu--ing beautiful."

[Len_Dreyer]

Five Minute Management Course,
 
Lesson 2:
A priest and a nun ...............
Um...Never mind. We won't have a "Lesson #2"  

Bob, Lesson 2 is pretty good though.    aa

[Bob in St. Louis]

Yea Len, I copied and pasted the joke in it's entirety and then proofread it. That's when it hit me I'm posting religious jokes on a forum that I moderate. 
I'm sure I'd have gotten buster for that one.

Bob

[Bob in St. Louis]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle he exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close!

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

[ted_b]

Bob, no offense but that's already on your page one...

[Bob in St. Louis]

Bob, no offense but that's already on your page one...

Whoops! I call it "rectal / cranial inversion"
(I had my head in my ass)

Good eye Ted! 

[BobRex]

Does anyone remember the ethnic joke books that were published back in the '70s?  While the PC police would probably burn them now, there were some great jokes in them thar books.  Related to the "mommy sponge" joke, here are 2 I remember from the religious joke book:

Little girl: " Mommy, why can't I say the short prayers you and daddy say?"
Mom, a little confused: "What do you mean dear?"
Little girl: Well last night I heard you praying "God I'm Coming", and daddy praying "Jesus Christ, wait for me!"

and

Little girl: "Mommy when you die and go to heaven do you go feet first?"
Mommy: "I don't think so, why do you ask?"
Little girl: "Well yesterday I heard the maid screaming "God I'm coming!", and she would have too if daddy hadn't been holding her down."

[djbnh]

Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
 
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
 
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
 
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
 
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
 
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
 
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and wacked her too.

[Bob in St. Louis]

{Please, no flames from cops or teachers} 


These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York city public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.
 
Teachers:
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
 
Cops:
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!
16. ' You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go toride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1.' You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
 

[Wind Chaser]

I've... never... laughed... so... hard.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=c9U_lWmAsYM&feature=related

[IronLion]

I've... never... laughed... so... hard.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=c9U_lWmAsYM&feature=related

Good find.  GOOD find. 

[nathanm]

He's doing his Sauron impersonation.

Those teacher comments are awesome!